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I have taken to the I DONT WANNA FUCKING PUT IT IN WORDS. I read sad stories and comics to make me sad, like I fucking deserve it. I feel like a bitch.
I try to break myself in ways. I’m pretty sure I know my limits and if it gets to far (hurting other people) then I’m pretty sure I will stop. But right now I want to hurt myself. I read sad books and comics and every time I cry I feel like I deserve it.
I “re enact” memories from school (mostly embarrassing ones) and warp the memories where I turn insane or something. I feel in power then I feel fucking guilty, having power from other people’s pain.
I’ve never cut my wrists. I don’t plan to but I’ve taken to the habit of “strangling” myself now and then. I sometimes put my hands around my friends’ throat in a playful way but I’m starting to get a bit scared.
Every now and then I stop what I’m doing and just sorta black out from the world. Like stop in my tracks.
In ways I wanna be mad. Madness gives me a sense of power and helplessness at the same time.
People say “be ur self”.
First of all: if u r a dam prick then u need to change.
Second; if I let it all out and was myself ppl would have died.
I toy with the thought of murder. I’ve looked at necks and imagined slashing them with a knife. I toy with pain. I like the idea of being insane.
I have visions? Guess fucks.
Like when I sorts black out I have this yearning.
I DONT WANNA DIE. I DONT THINK I WANNA KILL. BUT I LIKE THE IDEA.
ADVICE ASAP IF U CAN, pls
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So much hatred towards yourself and the world. Your crying and in a pain. Insane maybe because people go there sometimes. Nobody understands what you going through. Feelings that can't be express are becoming dangerous thoughts as a way to release the built-up emotions.
Run, run, run till you can't breathe anymore. Go run and scream your head off, break things, but don't hurt yourself or others. You know why you never did it in the first place. You do not want to hurt other people. Jump into a pool and sink to the bottom and when you out of air rush up. Go read toxic novels but don't lose yourself in those visions because there is no coming back once they become reality.
ReplyInstead of telling me to go to a doctor u said this. I’m so dam relieved. Thank you.
Reply8 months and almost nothing has changed except covid stats.
I’m crying at this comment ngl I’ve lost it lol. Thanks for the advice again
Reply