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Dealing with and ED all my life puts my life at a perspective to where I've always struggled with self image, weight, relationship with food and depression often.Going through all this and the many emotions that comes along those struggles always put me in the mind set that I've seen the worse or I've dealt with the worse.Nope.Life has put me in check and placed me in the worst possible year of my life.I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT WAS FUCKING POSSIBLE. What can get worse than already low as fuck self esteem, depression, and a eating disorder you may ask. Well in this year alone, I had my old best friend become my boyfriend, first boyfriend even, who I actually liked for once.He ended up dumping me which then led me to eat my weight out of the break up stage, and I mean eat, like put on 40+ lbs eat.You can image what that would do to a girl with an eating disorder who didn't eat for 3 years yeh. Anyways, then my depression grew so severe my school got involved, social workers every week, calling my mom to school, eating disorder programs, crying all day everyday, ANXIETY WHICH I NEVER HAD BEFORE TILL NOW, 5 visits to dr. in one month, antidepressants , self harm, drugs, smoking to erase the pain or to bring happiness, name something, I've done it.Pass all that I've started to slowly heal emotionally, but gradually, like a damn turtle with weights on its shell gradually. But even now Im still failing school when I was once a solid 3.8 gpa student, now I have all F's in Jr. year, most important one of them all for colleges to look at huh.FUCKING GREAT. I've discovered Im emo and Im fat as fuck.Boys treat me like shit per usual and every time I see myself in the mirror I cry on my mom.I've been shopping like crazy, online clothes, a new phone, remodeling my whole room and bathroom, a gym membership , a camera everything to make me feel better, temporary happiness, but thats all it is because I am still crying myself to sleep wishing I was dead or never born, I even think about carving into my arm. I feel hopeless, I can't even go outside without my anxiety making me want to cry.All in all I have no one to talk to about how miserable I am. I have a nice room, nice things but I hate myself entirely. Fuck my body. Fuck this life.Fuck society - nuisance of the world, devil's whore <3
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