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I think I’m more hurt by the fact that I lost my father at the age of 23 while my friends are having a thriving relationship with their dads than the fact that he is gone
I think I am more hurt that he didn’t see me grow into the person I am than that he is gone
Because I didn’t think he would leave me at 23
How dares he leave me at 23
I think those are selfish reasons for my sadness
I didn’t go to the farm and the fields with him
Or to his “stupid fairs” as I liked to call them
Because I didn’t want to
And now I feel I could’ve spent more time with him
“If only I had spent more time with him” - this is the sentence I repeat to myself thinking that way it might’ve been easier that he is gone
My father was a peculiar man
And he didn’t talk much
I never heard I love you or you know - something people would find as a normal conversation with their dad
My father hurt a lot in his life, he was at the war and lost all of his family and probably - his sanity
He was a bit more on the conservative side and I was not so we would fickle about it sometimes
He liked to talk about the old times
Way way back
And I would roll my eyes at him
Because I didn’t think he would leave me at 23
How dares he leave me at 23
He was a good man, but not a regular dad
I know he loved me but there was just too much grief in his life for him to show me that
I wish he didn’t leave me because I had so much more to show him and roll my eyes at him and not listen to his stories
I am selfish because I wish I was a better daughter and he is the one who is gone and I’m still thinking about myself
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