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All over, you see it. Some people have chosen to try to give a festive sense to others who are struggling right now. We're all struggling right now.
But I'll be damned if I haven't seen just how willing others are to spread their suffering. Which is confusing to me, if I'm being honest.
I mean, you go through a time of suffering yourself right? So you know how painful it was for you. Yet you're more than happy to spread that suffering to others. Knowing full well how much pain it causes.
I don't get it. I suffered a ton through life, but I have NEVER willfully put my suffering on someone else. Why would I? I don't want others to know what this crap feels like! I'd rather no one knew but me!
But oh no! Gotta get those kicks in while someone else is down. It's stupid, it's toxic and nobody is better for it.
This isn't how you heal from trauma!
I'd have a lot of choice words for people like this, but I'm not out to hurt people like they are.
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ReplyDear Holiday Trauma,
Talking about suffering (with the right people) can be a good thing (which can actually reduce suffering). This shouldn't be thought of as "spreading" suffering. Keeping your feelings of suffering inside (you wrote "I'd rather no one knew but me") is harmful, and I certainly wouldn't recommend it to anyone who was actively suffering. Of course, not having people you can trust to talk to about your suffering is a serious and difficult problem. Steer clear of anyone who doesn't want you to share your feelings of suffering with them (especially a spouse or close family--I think we can avoid a great deal of suffering if we look outside of our close family, when we look for support--in my case I am luck to have a supportive father, but unlucky in that my relationship with my mother has proved disastrous from an early age). A good rule of thumb, if talking to that person makes you feel worse, don't do it again, and avoid further potentially harmful engagement. Seek others to talk to. I recently discovered that I can talk to a maternal aunt (who I didn't really know well before). As I mentioned, talking with my mother had always been disastrous, and I have been able to understand why after discussing it with her younger sister. After discovering that my aunt was a great resource, I reached out to other family members I knew only distantly before. I spoke to a paternal aunt, and both of her sons. I formed a close bond with her oldest son (my cousin) some months ago.
Two other thoughts: search for and read about "narcissism" and "polyvagal theory of depression". My own suffering (depression) has been greatly diminished by understandings I have gained from looking for and then reading the information I found on line about “narcissism”. I discovered "narcissism" months ago. Narcissism is useful to me an explanatory idea related to my history as a victim of interpersonal abuse. I discovered that the people who abused me—emotionally, financially, psychologically, legally, etc—were acting out quite typical behaviors of narcissistic abuse. There are lots of articles and youtube videos on narcissism. You could spend days or weeks watching youtube videos about narcissism and (like I did) think about it like you are doing your own mental heath homework/research. It also helps you escape in a way that I think is rather healthy. You won’t feel quite so alone when you see how many people are sharing their misery (suffering / depression) on-line in an attempt to deal with it.
I discovered the “polyvagal theory of depression” only today, so I can’t say too much about it. I like the polyvagal theory very much, however, because (while it isn't perfect) it redefines, I think very plausibly, how one can conceive of what depression is and how it works from a biological / evolution angle. This new conception (unlike the prevailing idea that we all seem to hold so deeply, that depression is a kind of failure to succeed to control one’s bad emotions) leaves out any reason for the depressed individual to feel shame for any reason.
Best of luck to you. I hope this helps. I know I enjoyed trying to share this information with you so that you may find some benefit from it. Hang in there.
ReplyI'm not referring to people sharing their stories in the slightest. I'm talking about people who willfully go out of their way to inflict pain on others because they've experienced pain themselves.
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