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Hello. My name is Blaise, and I am a fourteen-year-old that uses they/them pronouns.
Ever since I was little, I've been unhappy with my weight. While the other girls (I was assigned female at birth) were thin and flexible, I was this chubby little thing that could barely touch my toes because of how nonflexible I was. This started in first grade when I was eight. It's only gotten worse. My mother's side of the family has a habit of gaining a lot of weight in middle school and high school. I am in the middle, and eighth-grader halfway through the year. My mom always comments on my weight, and recently I looked up the healthy height for my weight (about 130 lbs), and it's 5'3. I am almost 4'10. My mom got me a scale for Christmas and she said "Now you can check when I say you're gaining weight and not get upset." I get where she's coming from, she's just looking out for me, and I'm probably not going to get much taller, maybe I'll get lucky and hit 5'3 before I stop growing. But the fact that she said that makes me upset.
But, the thing is, every day since then, I've been checking my weight almost obsessively. Every time it goes up I feel sick to my stomach and disappointed in myself. I have started watching what I eat more, and how much I eat. It's not to the point of anorexia, and I can't even make myself throw up, so bulimia is off the table. I sometimes forget to eat, and I get this weird feeling of satisfaction when I realize that I haven't eaten much except for dinner. I know it's not healthy, and my boyfriends both deal with anorexia and bulimia, and it really hurts knowing they see themselves like that. (I'm in a closed poly relationship with two trans males). But, in a way, it's appealing. The thought of controlling exactly what I eat all the time and making myself skinnier, it's appealing in a really messed up way. I have a strange obsession with sucking in my stomach and looking in the mirror to see just how thin I could be if I just had more self-control.
So, my question is, is this body dysmorphia, an eating disorder, or both, or something completely different? I really need advice and guidance.
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I get how you feel. Its hard to accept our bodies in a society that promotes a "skinny" image, and I too find controlling weight apppealing. It sounds like you definitely have anorexia and bulimia (even though you can't seem to throw up). Thats a REALLY serious issue, as you are hurting yourself mentally, and physically.My advice would be to look at who you are as an individual, not as a number on a scale.You are a special human being and shouldn't judge yourself for not looking like someone else. Maybe try talking to an adult you trust, or even confronting your mom about how she makes you feel and where you are now. YOU ARE WORTH IT.
Replylook in anorexia or bulimia there is no control over your body. Your at a pivotal moment left or right. Left is full of self hatred, guilt and binge eating, and struggle to loose weight, but you will get to eat and learn to love your self possibly but right has all the same negatives but the possibility hospital visits eating clinics and stomach dropping talks with your parents, trust me loose weight the heathy way the life long effects of an eating disorder are not worth it
ReplyExactly. Some people get to the point they can't even hold down food.
ReplySometimes I can go breakfast and lunch not eating. Dinner is a small bowl of food. I feel like people have an image, an image of what they wish to be. I look in the mirror and see somebody I don't wanna be. Seeing stretchmarks, my stomach and my arms makes me depressed. Trying really hard to explain to my mom that I don't feel confident. I don't wanna tell her I'm insecure because I don't wanna use that word. She wants me to wear pretty clothes and bikinis but she doesn't realize what I see is way different than what she sees. I don't force myself to skip meals, I just simply pass it without knowing. I will cry myself to sleep because my parents don't understand why I wear hoodies and pants. I don't want people to see the horrible me I see so I hide it.
ReplyI understand you a lot. I felt the same way at some point. However I still struggle with it today and continue to lose weight in the easy way out. No story is the same. I can take one bite and be done, or no bites and be happy for the day. I started working out to help myself build an appetite. That was an out for me. Even though I still struggle, it is always worth it to ask a good (and trustworthy) friend to help.
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