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So today wasn't a bad day. But I really cheated on my diet pretty bad. I don't think I'm really to upset about that though. I guess I'm more self conscious of myself. The appearance I see in the mirror, my own reflection. I'm not everyone's type. Especially being 250lbs and I don't know much about fashion or what looks good on me. I wish I did so I could have clothes I like that fit me and looked well on me. I had a semi high functioning day I decided to tell all my friends happy new year and got beautiful responses from so many, I also out myself out there semi and shared a pic of myself on a dating app. Which took alot of strength, he said not his type. Which I get I don't hate on anyone's preferences. But in that moment I kind of felt like I latherd myself up and threw myself in the best of contest hoping to get a blue ribbon...
It's what you subject yourself to when your looking on an app like that though haha. So I can't be mad. Still, I just should have never done that cause now here I am.
I also have been stressing and getting anxiety about what ifs..
Like what if I lose all this weight and I have a whole bunch of loose skin I can't fix
What if I'm not tall enough and guys won't like me
What if I do all I can and I still am seen or see myself as ugly...
What ifs...
It's a selfish, horrible thing to want to be the object of sexual desire and appeal. I look for it in others cause I can't find it in myself.
God I am trying so hard I really am. But it's like my glass is so fragile I could get a flick and crack. :( It's just my thoughts for now I'll be okay later.
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It is not good to get into the habit of doing what ifs because it is such a negative thing to do. Try doing positive what ifs.
Nowadays people place way too much importance on the way they look. Imagine after you die and Jesus asks you "What did you do with your life?" And you say, "Well after I grew up and realized I am not great looking I got a job that paid loads of money so I went to a cosmetic surgeon and had liposuction all over, then I had my nose done, but then I didn't really like my boobs so I had them done, then I had my lips done and they were lucious, then I had my eyebrows lifted, then I saw this beautiful looking woman on TV with a lovely looking bum so I had my bum done. Then I felt that I looked so good.
Then Jesus asks, "Well, what did you do to help others?"
You reply, "Oh I didn't have time to help anyone except myself with all of my surgeries."
Then Jesus says, "Did you do anything interesting in your life?"
You say, "Oh yes, but I have told you all of the interesting and great things I did for myself."
If this conversation was true your life would have been so selfish and shallow it would be hardly worth living. So place importance on things other than your looks.
Advice: vitamin D comes from the sun and without it you can develop skeletal problems so if you have been and are shut inside away from the sun because of covid you need vitamin D tablets.
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