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im sorry that this is so long. dont bother with it.
3 years ago · 1 · just ranting, +2 · Explicit
394
hello. im a 17 year old guy (HS senior) and im so fucking miserable and angry all the time. unless i have nothing and am in a fog but that sucks just as bad. shit hit the fan in the summer after seventh grade when i came out to my friends as questioning at the time btw. (im bi and potentially nonbinary so im trying he/they now which i actually also did freshman year before i decided for a while that that wasnt valid somereason- ...) but all i did was ask for them to call me a nickname and get into one argument with a friend who turned out to be a lesbian who didnt know yet and was homophobic at the time on my first phone and my mom read my texts. not that i was magically fine before that. i guess i have to address that when it comes to whatever spiral ive had since then, because i sure did spiral. my dad called my friends names to get at me which pissed me off plenty, but honestly my mom did all the damage. like telling me she already knew when i came out to her (while crying) because she read my texts, and that id get beaten up in the bathrooms and that she'll let me come out senior year but dad would never be so kind. and her back and forth "accepting" and very much not attitude made me close up and never talk to her again which honestly i didnt realize i was doing but i must be great at it because she really thought i was doing greaaat and that even though i was struggling very obviously in school and even though shed have late night conversations with my dad about how i was slipping and do nothing. she was so comfortable that shed joke about how she always knew i had adhd but didnt get me checked for it because i was one of the smart kids. and she watched me procrastinate and struggle every year. isnt that funny? since we are still pretty much only in eighth grade in the timeline id like to bring up how delusional i was, and how id have out of body experiences at the lunchtable or just stop talking to show myself that no one was watching or checking in on me. i was self harming, i was coming up with "metaphors" that would terrify me and other people would call beautiful. the chorus would lock me out of my damn head at the lunch table, god was i slipping. every day for months it felt like i was on that yellow cough syrup that caused me to poke at my eye with scissors, because i had an obsession with eyes and i was so tempted to gouge them out at the time when other people widened theirs. idk what that was because i rarely hallucinate anymore but i guess it doesnt matter. freshman year i was an honors student hallucinating that the mannequin was a six foot tall imaginary friend named Manny Quinn and that he was holding my pocket knife to my throat. I cant even remember how freshman year went, honestly- but the school took me out of the guys lockerroom and bathroom for questionable reasoning but i was thankful and i got the single person bathrooms code which was pretty funky. I was writing really questionable things in my english notebook and trying to talk to the school counselors or use the hellish "wellness center" which was really just a gossip center where the women in charge would kick out the mentally ill kids or get them institutionalized while they had heartwarming chats and played with puzzles with the senior girls who were there for study hall. basically i befreinded the nurses instead and they told me something along the lines of "youre sick in the heart" which was interesting and i didnt get what they meant. Oh yeah and with the amounts of pains i guess i had from anxiety sophomore year sent me to the hospital one too many times and they told me i should go to this one shithead counselor (which took my mother multiple months to do) and shed say "oh i thought you werent interested" when i was the one to bring it up with a slice of hope each time. he was extremely annoying and told me in the first five minutes that he had written down "ADD?"- not even adhd, hah. And then he told me that i was looking around a lot and had me describe the room which, hilarious, thankyou. and if i were to bring up anything he couldnt handle like anything more complex than a black or white yes or no, he would tell me i was just like a lawyer or that i was SOOOOO creative. it was great. Actually, the creative comment stung the most when he said it after i told him i was hallucinating again. when i told him my mind was in a fog and that i was sorry that i couldnt describe how i felt well enough, he told me to take a break from therapy or stop coming alltogether because it was obvious i was doing much better than i used to be and that i didnt need therapy at the moment. funny how that makes you feel. like you both are superior and the scum of the earth because you somehow convinced a person who was supposed to help your mental health that you were doing just fuckin dandy without even lying. i guess the smile that i put on when im feeling that fake bubbling happy and cant control my actions completely and whatever is just so real and convincing. so, there i was asking my mom for therapy but not from some guy named steve whod ask me if i still self harm while shes in the room or ask me to describe the room because im very observant or whatever. trying to convince her when the counselor had convinced her that i was fine was much harder and it took her until quarantine when she could blame covid and isolation and make me more ordinary- just a teenager trying to adjust to a shitshow. Oh, and not to say that i didnt get worse. 2019 was kind of lovely. it gave me so much hope, i was following around my friends and finally had pictures of me that looked so joyful where my smile wasnt heavily motivated by bubbly anxiety. I fell in love with ice skating, got hockey skates for xmas 2019. I talked about surfing and playing guitar with my friends that summer but i was in my own little group and i guess they only had the energy to keep up their one group, their actual band. i get nervous around too many people so i never quite fit. id do little things to cheer us all up at the beginning, like getting them to dress as apocalyptic characters so i could maybe have a universe where we all hung out despite the odds. and the ones who were online stayed at least, but it still feels like i lost the rest of them.at least i had the english groupchat that my teacher set up, and i managed to get a job at the beginning of the summer- but when i came home from work happy each day my mom was more and more assured that i was fine even though i was struggling so much any moment before work started and struggled during work too. i didnt see any of my friends until july. it was months starting in march of nothing, and their friendgroup threw a party the day before my fucking birthday when they couldnt even come to mine. and the thing is, they didnt even distance themselves- it was just their friends but still. theyd drink each others drinks. theyd wear no masks the majority of the party and yell into each others mouths. they all had summer jobs and family they were in contact with and they uninvited me to a party on the day before my fucking birthday. and of course i accidentally angered my one friends mom the one time i saw her in july/ august so i can safely say her mom won't ever say yes to me seeing her again. all because she read our texts and i made a joke involving about elton john or something else vaguely gay- well didnt that bring back bad memories lmao. so here i am this school year, enrolled in eight classes and dropping half for work release because i cant handle shit this year. and here i am not having friends to talk to because the school took away lunch- the one time where i could pretend my friends cared to contact me. and i try to let them know as much as possible that i still care, and i keep making flexible plans hoping that one will work (and maybe one will). but damn did it hurt of catch covid from my damn english teacher and bad luck when they are all sharing images of them hanging out. so thats the things i try to blame for being miserable but i probably pushed them away myself even if i didnt intend to. school this year should be going great- after all i only have ap art, ap art history, gym and english. but i'm still failing, especially english. and it is so much worse for me than last year because last year we all were overloaded and miserable and last year my efforts were somehow good enough and the teachers didnt get sad in front of the class and talk about how no one is trying anymore. i dont actually know what is wrong this year but im completely not functioning. i cant think or talk about college/ art school and i cant even tell what i want. im still clashing horribly with my parents and i blocked out so much of what they say while they would say it that i dont even know half of what they did wrong. at least im not putting my mom on a pedestal anymore but im also slowly losing the rational side that told me to not blame others for my own issue and that would reason through it all- or rather. i havent lost it yet but its there and i cant follow those thoughts they just sit there and i cant do anything about them. i tried switching my sustained investigation from this one comic that i was doing based off of may when i thought i was a ghost and loss of identity or whatever to drawing scenes of monsters hanging out with eachother but anything i make either isnt good enough or it just is too sad/bittersweet. i dont know if im doing worse exactly, but i sure as hell have less keeping me here. she wont even tell me how much longer is on the waiting list for therapy and it feels like im dancing with death or whatever again. i guess ill just go back into the fog again tomorrow because this was me freaking out. no idea what to call any of what ive experienced, and ive gone so long with being scared of "self diagnosis" which isnt even as bad of a thing as its been made out to be because all theyd do is describe their symptoms with the proper words. theres no way ill be able to ever mention anything like this aloud anytime soon seeing as i freak out and close up if even an easy vocabulary homework assignment is brought up. sorry for the spelling errors and lack of grammar. this was just a rant. idk if it is better or worse to rant to the open internet than to write in a journal but i guess ill find out.
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