My Narcissistic Father Just Died

I feel terrible writing this.

My father died on the 2nd of January from Covid-19. He had been in perfect health just a few weeks before when he had a mild heart attack. Multiple tests confirmed he had recovered and there was no lasting damage, but his strength didn't return.

Then they discovered myelofibrosis - a type of bone marrow cancer. This was leaving him with blood problems that were draining his energy. At some point he contracted Covid, probably during one of his hospital stints. It was unfortunate that his hospitalisation coincided with the second Covid peak, and the comorbidities and his age (72) created a fatal combination.

I have to write a memorial and I don't know how to do it. Every time I think about what to write I think about his narcissism and what it has cost me (and my siblings but they are blissfully unaware), and I want to start with my anger at him for a multitude of things, not least of which is dying before we really resolved out issues.

In the last few years we had mellowed towards each other. I know he enjoyed it when we got together as he showed affection in greeting I don't remember as a child. He would shake my hand vigorously and I could almost see he wanted to embrace me - he never did know how to do that.

And I enjoyed his company in the last few years. I thoroughly enjoyed walking up to his house for a beer and shooting the breeze. Even though the conversations were usually about old and new complaints: the government, neighbours, world events.

Despite being very angry with my father for many years, like a true co-narcissist I enjoyed being in his favour. It irritated me a bit because I wanted to be completely free of the grip of his narcissism, and mostly I was, but never completely.

And I'm sad that there will be no more beers together. That we cannot repair our relationship even further. I'm also sad that I not nearly as sad as I hope my children are when I'm gone. We were simply not close enough which I was a child, angry with each other as adults, and somewhat friends only much later in life.