Dec 13th

Dec 13, something changed in my body.

Dec 12, I enjoyed him like we were the last people on Earth. Somehow outdoing the connection we thought couldn’t be any stronger.

That’s gone now.

Dec 13, my body changed. It started hurting and reacting to show me things were wrong. I told him. I told my best friend. They told me to go to the doctor.

Dec 15 happened and the doctor ran a test. I don’t think we have anything to be too concerned about. We’ll just send it to labs anyway.

Two weeks...it took two weeks and then the nurse called. We need to run some additional tests, a biopsy maybe.

Jan 4, the Dr says, maybe we can get two of these tests out of the way today.

I agree. Let’s try, I don’t have anyone to watch the kids, I’m already missing work. Well, I couldn’t make it through. Too much pain. He says let’s send what we got to the lab and schedule the other for outpatient.

Jan 6th, the Dr calls. It’s never good when the actual Dr is on the line. He tells me the biopsies show additional issues. During outpatient we will see if we can complete the other procedure and take some more samples. He answers questions and gives me a path of treatment that he wants to follow. Then he said “but if”. “But if they are present on the biopsies I’ll have to refer you to an oncologist”. What?! Am I being told I have cancer? “Well, we can’t be sure just yet, but we have CIN2 in the two samples and if it comes up on the next procedure, I can’t do the final surgery. Or I can, but you’ll be under much longer while we have the oncologist review the findings in the OR. It’s a bit riskier that way”.

So here I am..preparing for a surgery that will be comprised of two procedures. One of which I had years ago and had complications and ruptured from. That one turned into needing emergency surgery.

If I make it through fine, I have to wait for results. Results that will alter my body regardless. Even worse, it could mean I do have cancer.

Meanwhile, I have a supportive lover who is trying to say the right things and be reassuring. Great, right? It should be, but I can’t help feel like my body is betraying me. I cannot imagine a man wanting to be sexually active with someone who has this issue. I cannot imagine asking a man to try to be attracted or aroused by the body I can’t accept right now. He tells me he’s not just here for sex, but I want to know that sex is not gone. I want to know that we can get back to where we were Dec 12. I want to feel like I’m the same sexual being and don’t want to be reminded of the wicked betrayal lurking inside me.

I don’t want to feel foolish or absurd. I understand I should “be positive” or “take it one thing at a time”. I can’t though. I know what I see. I know what I feel. I know something isn’t quite right. I feel lost. I don’t know if I can flirt or be affectionate or sexual and be accepted. When I think about it, it’s “gross”, “inappropriate”, “awkward”. How can I ask him to be ok with it or not react differently? Why when long for the affection and crave intimacy when I cannot possible be sexual and not be reminded of this issue?

I just had to get some thoughts out. I want to speak freely and profanely, I want to say EXACTLY the thoughts I have inside without putting my hesitation and concern into his head.

I can’t. I just can’t.