Never ending

I recently found out that my abuse ex had another girlfriend. We were together 6 years ago and went on again off again till one year ago, when I last heard from him and blocked him everywhere because I was scared after a huge argument. But he’s often in my mind, I dream about him, I talk about what he did to me almost every day, I still look at his house with anger when I pass by. I don’t know if that’s trauma, if I still have feelings for him, but I honestly know that I’d prefer to die alone rather than being with him again. These thoughts are very hard for me to rationalize, he’s been everything to me, losing him and being mentally abused by him over the course of these 6 years was devastating. I’m finding myself again, I’m feeling things with other people now, I don’t think of him as my best friend anymore, but he doesn’t leave my thoughts, he never leaves my mind and I, sometimes, can’t deal with that. I’m relieved that he has a girlfriend now, I’m happy that it’s the first time since I’ve known him that I haven’t heard from him anymore, that I unleashed myself emotionally from him. But you are always scared to collapse in that void again, because he’s toxic, he’s manipulative, he’s a narcissist and probably borderline, and he knows how my brain works, he knows what strings need to be moved. But I want to believe in myself, and I want to believe that I’m setting strong grounds to build the healthy relationship I deserve. But I’m scared he’ll never leave my thoughts, I’m scared and completely alone in this.