Celebrating

I writing here today because I don't feel like it's time to share my story with my close friends yet. That isn't to say they won't understand or be sympathetic, I'm not ready and I don't think they are either. So I will share this anonymously because I need to say somehow.

Today I am celebrating, because a year ago around this time I planned on killing myself. I was overwhelmed with stress and negative thoughts and I never thought I would see the day that I would be happy living. But here I am after the support of my parents, therapist, and pastor I am still here and I intend for it to stay that way.

Most of the people in my life don't know that I was planning to kill myself. Which is how I want to keep it but I never told my brothers or my closest friends about it. I want to tell them but I don't want to hurt them and I still feel like the wounds are fresh enough that I don't want to open them. Luckily my mom has been my backbone for me and I've already told her everything I have been feeling lately.

I feel mixed feelings about everything that has happened in the past year. I remember thinking to myself, how much of a coward I was because I couldn't even end myself. And you know what? If killing myself makes me a coward then I want to be a coward. Sometimes you need to be a coward in order to keep yourself safe and there is nothing wrong with that.

I am still not fully healed and I'm not sure I ever will be. But I fucking lived, and that's enough. I don't need to prove my worth because me being alive will always be enough. Sorry if this is just me rambling but I needed to get this off my chest.