keep coming back

my dearest;

this is starting to feel like no exit. you said it yourself, hell is other people. it's due time for you to drop the innocent act, because i can see right through it. you might think you're one step ahead of me - you have a doctorate, i'm a two bit washed up little hick as far as you're concerned - but you severely underestimate my intelligence. you say i seduce you as if i don't know our affair is based upon a series of increasingly convoluted mind games you're responsible for insinuating. you wrongly assume it's not obvious how you pull me in deeper by repeatedly convincing me that i'll never be enough for you, and reminding me that you can't be enough for me. not only does this get me to try harder to please and impress you, but it's gotten to the point where i begin to doubt myself. i once thought i was impervious to manipulation, now i'm unsure of my own desires. i start to believe that maybe this is what i want, all i'm good for. that it's fulfilling, what we do. to go against everything i believe in and devalue myself is empowering. to your dismay, i have caught myself and stand on the edge of a black hole of self denial. whether i fall in is my choice to make. and why do i go along with it, you ask? because i'm bored? merely putting up with it? on the contrary, i'm fascinated in some twisted way. wherever shall this lead us? perhaps i don't know your end goal here - to continue this sick game of cat and mouse, with the roles deliberately unclear, until you see fit - or ultimately to hurt me as deep as humanly possible when you inevitably discard me like an inanimate piece of garbage. i'd like to imagine you're better than that. whatever your intentions are, i've been brave enough to say it once before, but i need you to hear me; i am not disposable. i am not your toy and i am not your hooker nor am i the sounding board for the grief of your failed marriage. i am a woman who has given herself to you i am a complete individual who is kind and trusting enough to be vulnerable with you. i do not feel used, because i can only allow myself to be used if i relinquish autonomy and hand over control. that level of submission is more active than passive. you know the fact of the matter is i care about you, genuinely, from my own heart. don't take that for granted. or do, just have the decency to admit it once in a while. it doesn't give you power over me. it's not quite abuse, we're consenting adults here. my only hope is you keep in mind how those in glass houses should not throw stones, and i'll sleep damn well knowing you can never outsmart me.