Suicide Never Left My Mind

I personally do not know remember when death does not scare me anymore. I’m too tired of life as if waking up means waiting for the day to end and have mental breakdowns at night. This cycle is too tiring. Overthinking has been consistently happening. Whispers are being heard that I am not worthy enough to live. Resulting from making me numb. I wanted to feel pain but how. So, I did hurt myself. It was kind of painful but not as painful compared with my emotional pain that I am feeling. The greatest fear that I am feeling is that my mother would blame herself if I committed suicide. God would not forgive me. But can’t I be selfish enough to end this?

These thoughts have been lingering for the past months. Life is really a mystery that I wanted to understand but, in the end, it is my greatest enemy. Breathing becomes a bother. I’m just too tired. I can’t move on from my childhood trauma. College professors are not professionals, they are demons who are part of my despair in life. I just wanted to be happy, but happiness never wanted me.

God help me. Forgive me. Let me rest. I want to experience happiness.