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Who am I?
When I was young, I always have a thought..."I'll never be like them, grown-ups"
Looking at them, listening to them, why do they make things complicated? Aren't we taught to be honest? Aren't we taught to be sincere? But why? Those same adults say we should be considerate of others' misfortune, by saying a lie. They rubbed off me after all, since I've been lying to myself everyday just to get past another day.
As a young'un, I thought everything will make sense when I become one. I thought that a path for me was already laid down, I thought a future where I support myself and my family will happen when I reached a certain age. But nay. I've always been wrong. Time and again, I was proven incapable and lacking. I was shown insufficient and unwanted. Scraping and begging, for everything.
Now as an adult, I pretend, pretend to be strong and willful. Pretend that I'll have everything in the near future. Hoping that this situation will change for the better. But how? As an adult, I'm lost. My thoughts run like a cyclone in the middle of the ocean. The chaos is getting stronger and stronger. I never thought I'd have a breakdown, a broken piece of me that couldn't accept this weakness of mine kept on tugging at my reins to let it out and curse at this fate.
Now, it pushed me to write this. I never admit this to anybody. I'm supposed to be the strong one. The one that can handle all the sticks and stones thrown at me. But me being so strong, doesn't have anyone to lean on now. When I speak, I'm unreasonable, when I cry, I'm reminded to be strong. But how can I when everyday drains me of my will to continue on.
Yet I'm a coward, I fear death and I'm terrified of not knowing whether this life, this situation will change any time soon. I'm afraid of losing the opportunity to see another path, another light and another hope.
Right now I don't have anything, no one confidante, no love and no path. All I have is a thread of fearing the pain before nothingness and succumbing to the fate of not knowing, that's hanging me above the abyss. But I feel like everyday, it's thinning.
I'm afraid that tomorrow may be the day I decide to just let it snap, let go and be done with it. After all, nothingness feels like a luxury to a chaotic mind.
-GrayKid
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Ok, so there is a lot stuff going on in your head. Most of it is just noise and non-sense getting all of the attention it craves. Your emotional reaction to your thoughts is more than enough fuel to keep this going until you hit a wall. Would it be nice to be able to flip a switch and turn it off or way down?
Thinking, this one way conversation in your head, provides all of life's details and a 'story' as well. It is a highly valuable ability needed for analysis, planning, communicating, and doing stuff. People get into trouble when they do too much reviewing, anticipating, and story telling. As long as you live, things will be happening that affect you and there effects are not permanent. Some of it will be pleasant, some not so much. These occurrences are generally unpredictable because they emerge from the combined probabilities for you, the other people, and the circumstances involved. Once they happen, they can't be undone. Acceptance, forgiveness, and optimism allow you to tolerate, learn from, and then move past disturbing situations and events.
Try spending some time helping others while expecting nothing from them in return. Check out youtube regarding meditation and give this 15 to 20 minutes a day. This is the practice for stopping or slowing down the constant 'chatter'. After a while, you will be able to turn down/off the noise as you move through your day.
Only helpful thoughts deserve further consideration. The others, however, can't be forced to leave. These should just be observed, without emotion or judgment, until they dissolve.
I check in here once a day and will be available if need me.
ReplyThank you for that, I just read your message today and am happy that I've been doing what you said for the past few weeks without realizing it. Actually I've been comforting friends left and right just so I can comfort and distract myself as well. I've been trying to work-out as well to tire my body so that when night comes I barely have any energy to think over events in my head. I guess this is the off-button? I've also been saying to myself, everyday when I open my eyes, that things happen and I should forgive myself for my past mistakes despite the endless bickering.
Yes, I've been trying, but it's so hard. Especially when a mistake or repetitive pattern triggers this anxiety. But I'll keep trying even when the noise in my head drowns out all the good there is in my life, I'll hold on.
Thank you, your message means a lot to me. Truly.
-GrayKid
ReplyThere are no silver bullets (easy solutions). Learning how to cope is a process.
Check out Aaron Abke on youtube. He has dozens of 15 minute videos that might be helpful. I just watched 'The Power Of Surrender'. Its not religious if that might concern you. You will be OK.
ReplyI watched it and it definitely spoke to me, thank you for that recommendation.
Reply