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I just didn't know where to put this. It's frustrating. Two years ago, I was separated from my ex wife. Best thing that could have come from that marriage was the end of it. Today, she is thriving supposedly. But the thing is...she lies and gaslights everything that happened. That truly happened. And I hate it. Throughout our entire relationship where I met her when I was stationed in a location that I'd rather not put out, I would be away constantly for the military as well as my civilian job to find out constantly she was lying and cheating on me...but I never saved it because if I did, how would I be able to save the relationship. We got married because I thought it would fix things. She would stop cheating. Lying. Abusing. But no. It's like it got worse. She comes from a rich established family of previous slave owners who even keeps some of the items that her ancestors had their slaves make. Red flag right? But I was dumb and naive. I lost just about everyone because of her. Two years later, I'm still technically married. I despise the fact she carries my name still. At the end of it I admit I messed up. I was on a business trip for two months, we were fighting about her neglect, and I slept with another woman. I came home thereafter and told her I wanted to end this because I was not mentally well enough any longer to deal with her. She still haunts me today. Not in the sense of, I miss her or want to fix things...but as my biggest regret. It's hard for me to trust because of the mental trauma she caused and I don't understand why I couldn't have been enough but that's just it. She was never in it for the relationship, she was in it for the blog posts. The pictures to post to make it seem like she was in the happiest of relationship. But I was a tool for her to use to put herself up on this high she still rides and uses to boost her, "influence". I know what I did at the end of it wasn't right but at the time it felt like revenge. I had never cheated in my life. And I did. And I hate myself for that instead of just being strong and brave and outright ending it. She took everything. From the thousands of dollars worth of gifts we both were given, to the apartment, the security deposit, and I got stuck with her debt. Tinted shades hid who she really was. And today, I recognize she was never the one. But these are the consequences of settling. I do plan on getting therapy, when I'm able to. Unfortunately COVID has messed a lot of that up. So yeah. I'm airing it out and I just have to say, I could have never made a dumber decision than to forgive her actions constantly. I did see a therapist once before I made my decision to end things and one thing my therapist asked me was, "Are you with her because you believe it will bring your life to where you want it or because you are scared because you gave your life away to appease another" and that stuck with me. I hate I don't think enough about myself. I want to.
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