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I will no longer exert energy into a void of bitterness, self-loathing, and hate hidden behind a cracked mask. I cannot get where I need to be in my life in order to reach my goals it continue to coexist with this tether keeping me bound to a source of bad energy. I will no longer let you shove me into a mold of your ridiculous standards that you yourself cannot achieve. Before I let you in, I woke up everyday believing I could grab the world by the balls. The things that make me happy are more than acceptable, you’re just not willing to accept that happiness doesn’t belong to only you. Your true intentions have never been clearer. I should have left when my life was threatened because I sacrificed my safety for your comfort. You expect me to be there when you want me but you are never there when I need you. After the last time you put me down, I realized that I do not need you. Our friendship was like having an abusive family member who has spent your entire life telling you how great they are and then one day you realize they’re not so great and their response is “no I am very great, you are crazy”. I can replace your friendship just as easily as you could mine. When one truly cares for another, it’s not “I suffered so it’s only right if you suffer too” as if I was responsible for the pain you felt. You invalidate me then when you put yourself in that exact situation, use my own words against me, then continue to invalidate me again. When I had nothing more to offer you other than my time and affection. You told me I needed you to continue living comfortably but I think now that may not be the case. Why are you mad at me for taking care of myself? I suppose I don’t have the ability to understand why bringing peace to each other was not enough for you. I later realized that being your friend and holding onto a fallacy disrupted my peace and that it is better to be alone than surround yourself with people who wish loneliness on you. I am not a bitch for choosing to quit my job to continue my education. The steps I am taking to put myself into a better situation for myself does not make me less of a person because I chose me this time and not you. Did I not support you when you needed someone to be there? Did I show up empty handed every time you decided to keep me around a little bit longer? I did not sacrifice my wellbeing to satisfy your desires so you could put me down and shame me for putting my health before your comfort. I did not change my life to better convenience you. The many times I have undoubtedly been your friend, you made the conscious decision to not be mine. Never again will I allow myself to be someone’s friend when they’re involving themselves with someone who has ill intentions for me. Negativity and hate fester and spread like a virus. I will not allow you to make me sick. These are the reasons why I must let you go. You do not do anything for me except self reflect your own insecurities onto me. You made it clear that you cared more for your pockets than quite literally the wellbeing of others around you. I cannot accept that kind of selfishness. I am more than willing to be selfish enough to care for myself though. Maybe someday our souls will be on the same frequency and we can find solitude in one another’s presence. Maybe someday you will finally feel content being alone with yourself. Maybe someday you will learn that your actions do have consequences. Thinking back on your actions made me see that I would rather die than allow future “opportunities” like those to happen again. Maybe someday you’ll grow to the point of having so much self love that you will understand what it truly means to want to see others eat, just not at your table. Until then, I need to love who I am before I can allow myself to love you. I am deserving of positivity, support, and unconditional love. Three things you could never have been bothered to show without fear of abandonment. With this being said, I do want to see you eat, just not at my table
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