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Today is like any other day I guess, I awake remember I am still alone and have been so for so very very long, a mother lost at age 2 and a father who was absent my entire life raised by an uncle who hated me for being the son of said father and raised me although treating me like a slave as I grew older. Finally to escape this mad house to pursue happiness only to find being alone made me feel just as miserable and yet felt this is the fate I deserve.
For someone who only wanted to make their mother proud but can barely remember her face or who she is and to this day does not have a plaque or tombstone on her grave due to said family members just not spending the time or money to arrange this. I at 29 years of age visited her grave for the first time as I believed I am at a place in my life where I should be proud of myself, as well as that she may be too or so I hope.. who really knows.
Standing a foot her grave to see no plaque but know it's location thanks to the increasing improvements in technology and a basic online search of her grave location. I find myself weeping like a sombre cat in an alley way at midnight, wondering what can I do to fix this? I need to save money I must do this myself nobody else will family can be such an f word truely, I just merely want to feel some level of existence like my life has meaning or matters.
Skipping back to reality to continue my daily routine of pushing on with this burden in my mind I relax to play games and waste the day away on the computer, working in IT for people who are never truly grateful for the help and support you provide them remotely can be quite tiresome. Thinking if I take time off that much more work will land on my colleagues I don't want to be that person who adds to their workload like a selfish asshole.
Somewhere along the line I never learned to be selfish only selfless all the while growing up slaving to make others proud of me, not sure why but I guess I want others approval more than anything to make myself believe I have reason this is why I exist. However wanting and wishing I could just once be selfish do something for myself and not feel guilty or like there are other pressing issues I should be addressing in my life..
This could become the longest post in the existence of the internet so I best stop here.. Long story short I am left to wonder.. How do other people do it? How do you truly relax and unwind? I can't seem to find an answer. I have a pet who I would throw my life down for and makes me happy in the moments I spend with it and to see it healthy and happy brings a lot of relief but I am still very stressed in my day-to-day never truly feeling I have unwound before I am back at work.
I hope I find this one day before I truly lose it and cave in to darker thoughts, should I ever lose this pet it may be the end of me, I do want and yearn for compassion from another human being but have no confidence in myself to seek or it believe I am much of a match for anyone.. until next time this is just my thoughts
- Anonymous poster of 2021
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