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You don't really care and I acknowledge all that
So I don't tell you the truth and I spend more time at my house than yours
I don't tell you that I sleep too much or that sometimes I can't sleep
I don't tell you that I drink too much and smoke too much
but sometimes I don't do any of that at all for days, but that I still struggle
You invite yourself to my space and you talk all about you
But you fail to observe the environment, my environment, which gives the tale tell signs
of a struggle in progress
Because the only words you would say are words of criticism
You never ask how it got this way, or why you can't sleep
Because I've told you before of my fears which you dismiss as obsessive paranoia
Except the evidence of me not being wrong is on a random night out
Clear as day. My problem in human form staring us down.
You dismiss as nothing. But for me another reminder that nobody will care
That's right and it's the truth and it's happened to others
I could be hurt or die before anyone says anything in my defense
or attempts to comfort and validate what I still feel and what I can't shake
I feel judged by the fact that I hear the frustration in your voice
Because I just won't move on like a "normal" person
but I'm not fucking "normal" I haven't felt my "normal" self in forever
I search for her in empty bar room acquaintances
People who have never known me as a person dragged to hell and back again
Even then I am a more highly guarded person than I ever was before
If I could shake my self, or sleep enough, or find release in some drug
I would probably take the chance just feel like I am me again
I need help and I know it, but there are so many barriers standing in the way
In the meanwhile the house is on fire with you trying to piss the raging inferno out
My body doesn't obey me, but I'm not mad I know it's only trying to repair the damage
And while I deal with the weight of judgement, I try to keep the wheels moving
I isolated and told them all I'm just super busy with school and work
It's not the truth, but too much time with the people that know
And they will worry yes, they will sympathize, they will consol...
but they cannot help me with this
It's bigger than me and them and it's complicated and even I don't understand it
I've called hotlines, spoken to bot like chat counselors
I get the same regurgitated advice with meaningless links to help sites
Tell me how to identify what I intimately know by experience
I've sent countless emails to some online counselors only to never hear from them
It's screaming into the void for help that never comes
So I don't know now where to go or who to ask
When no one responds to hey I need help and an appointment
I need to figure this out because it's taking over my life in ways I did not predict
Healthy, unhealthy...none of my coping mechanisms are touching this
No, I don't know why
I've tried drinking, fucking, fighting, sleeping, a nice spa day, a weekend road trip, phoning a friend, playing some music, binge watching a childhood favorite, journaling, talking with an online group, counseling, reading...idk anymore.
I'm not crazy or suicidal.
I'm just older and the shitshow has come to exact it's toll
I mean that jokingly, but I have always been rather resilient
And even some rather shitty things have rolled off my back
I'm not sure why, in this moment
It sunk in instead
I can quiet it with some of the above, but when it resurfaces
whew...
life suddenly derailed
Alarm clocks go unheeded, homework is late, house work is non-existant
It's maddening, I don't like it, I had shit I needed to do and I don't like that
I got hijacked by this...whatever it is.
Ugh...
I'm not done
but I have to stop here
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