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I have so much to say. Where do I start? We’re back to square one. I never expected for us to try it again, especially without us knowing it. Even more unexpected for you to be so cold after the fact that you saw my change, and acted like you still cared. You saw it continue. It was something I had been searching for. Something we have both wanted. Something I could never fully grasp. And for some reason now you could care less. It wasn’t good enough for you to love me again. I wasn’t good enough for you to want me. I had so much hope a few days after I got back. Everything was going great. I saw you happy. I saw you smile. My son was so happy to have both of us at home. I felt like I was on top of the world. I had so much strength. Nothing was ever going to break me. Now you are telling me you don’t know what you want again. I can’t help but see passed that being that you follow that statement with I didn’t want you to come back and that we have been through too much to think its worth saving. I know its not because you don’t know what you want, its because you know exactly what you want, you just can’t flat out tell me. You don’t want me, you don’t love me anymore. You hate me and our relationship. You want to move on from me already. And I’m standing in your way. I’m making it hard for you because of how I feel, because I don’t want to let go. Because I’m changing and I know I could love you like you’re meant to be loved. Like I’ve always meant to love you. So I’m back in my head. It feels like I lost you again. I feel like shit. I want to do everything I can to try and change your mind, to change your heart. But why am I going to do all that when you are set on a different life without me in it? I mean I did so much because I have changed, and even that wasn’t enough. What the fuck makes me think I can do something that is? I don’t want to let you go. I fucking hate even thinking about it, but thinking rationally that’s what I need to do. I’m just being selfish. All I can think about is my desire to make you happy, getting married to you, maybe having another baby with you, a daughter, growing old with you in our dream home with our grandkids running around in the front yard while our kids tell us about all the ventures they’re starting. Us sitting on the porch in our rocking chairs, listening to the breeze as it gracefully floats over the hills, and seeing the sun shine like it has never shined before, while we’re holding hands talking about all of the good things in life. And one of the most important things is being on my death bed, looking at you in your eyes and seeing that spark, that love, that compassion that I saw 60 years ago. Unchanged. Not weathered, but pristine and much stronger than either of us could have ever imagined it would ever be. Being able to say that I had a good life and I’m so glad that I got to spend the rest of it with you, and you being the last thing I see as I take my last breath. And for once in my life, at that moment, I will no longer be scared of the dark anymore, because you left me with the beautiful glow of your face. And would no longer be angry because I may never again be able to think of our life together as my life fully fades away, but be happy, grateful, courageous and accepting, all because I got to feel the deep unconditional love your ever loving heart contains, for one last time. But it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter that I know I’m not the same or that I know I will be what we both wanted. It’s not what you want. Or so it painfully seems. All I want to hear is the truth. I want to hear you say that this isn’t what you want anymore if that’s the case so you can start a new chapter in your life and so I can start trying to heal myself. Because if I don’t hear it from your mouth, deep down, I won’t let myself believe that it’s really over. No matter how hard it is or the reason you dread to say it, please be honest with me. I need the truth. I don’t want to live everyday like this, wondering, knowing but not accepting it because you never said it. I don’t want to be a burden to you anymore. I want you to finally get what you want in life, even if its not me. I want you to feel like you’re loved and wanted. I don’t want you to wake up everyday wondering if I’m going to fall back into drinking or wondering if its going to be the day that the only way for us to be happy is to be apart because of tension and resentment. I don’t want you to look to the present me and see the past because you can’t let it go. This is what’s running through my mind. This is what I’m feeling. I wasn’t going to open up about it because I didn’t want to have to fully deal with the hurt that comes with it but I think its something important for you to hear and for me to speak. Just know that I never stopped loving you. And I never will. You will always be my Honey Bee. You will always mean the world to me. And that’s a promise I can keep. That is a passion I will never let go of. I will NEVER forget you, and I will NEVER forget what we once had. No matter how far you may wander. I love you. I miss you. And I’m sorry for every bad thing I brought into your life. All the tears I made you shed and all of the insecurities I made you live. And most importantly I am sorry for losing myself, for drinking all of those years knowing what it caused instead of being a man and taking care of you and the kids. I would take it all back if I could. I would make sure that none of this would have ever been possible. But unfortunately that’s one dream that will never come true. On another note thank you for everything you have done for me. Thank you for being such a big part of my life, even if it was just for a short while. Again, I LOVE YOU. And whatever may come, whatever path you choose to take, I will always be here for you. Here is a little something I wrote for you. I hope you like it.
Life can be so complicated at times, it can break the strongest. It can take everything you have, it can make you despondent. People will come and go just like the changing weather, it will leave you in the unknown blinded to the better. It will hinder your ability to ever love again, it will take your pride and dignity, it will make you the bad friend. It will make you want to leave and say goodbye to all, it will give you so much apathy until you have no one to call. Although it deals these cards always remember, that a bad day on this earth is the beginning to something better. So don’t cry or flee when the going gets tough, do what I did all those years, and search for something as incredible as the heart that holds your wonderful love. Don’t let it go, don’t let it stray. Do the best you can do, to make forever out of everyday. Love with all your heart, and appreciate all you have. Life is too short, too short to live with nothing but the bad. And if this is goodbye, I truly understand. I wish you nothing but the best, you’ll find a better man. Just remember my face, and all these words that I spoke, when you look at the clouds and you begin to lose hope. Remember that you are beautiful, and sometimes we all fail, but its just temporary, its another step to your avail. You will forever live in my heart, I will never make you leave. You’re the reason for my love, always remember me.
Love,
Chris
P.S. You are going to make a great wife, don’t ever give up your dream of having an amazing marriage. I love you
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