To be normal

You ever think you're abnormal? Whether that be lesser or greater, have you ever felt it? Like something about you just doesn't fit into this giant machine we call "society"?

Whether it's because you're sitting at home, not doing anything but feeling or thinking and stewing on it just makes you less somehow. You can never fully explain why, you just feel it. Like you're just not quite fully human.

Or you're going through life and you're doing all these tasks and learning all these skills and everyone around you just seems so dumb. Like they are the ones who are lesser, how could they even possibly compete? They don't invest the same energy as you, they don't care the way you do, they don't even want to see it.

Yet, there's a middle here where neither view really fits in. There's always some semblance of being ostracized and left out, being ridiculed by others or by the thoughts inside your brain. Affectionately named the "inner monologue".

But what exactly IS normal? Most people will tell you that "normal" is subjective, yet there seems to be ample evidence to the contrary. Millions of people seem to be perfectly capable of living this "normal". So something isn't fitting here.

We often assume that the missing feature(s) reside in us, right? That there's something wrong, better or just plain different. It's always a reflection on us as a person.

So let's take a brief look at the most common form on "normal", shall we?

To begin with, these normal people usually have some style of family structure. You know, mommy loves daddy and little bro and big bro are a bit competitive but still love each other and little sis is the treasure both bros defend. God help anyone who hurts her.

Then there's the aunties and uncles and the grandparents and nieces and nephews who all gather together a handful of times a year to celebrate major holidays, weddings and new lives being brought into the world and everything is so hunky dory, even though uncle Louise is an alcoholic and your cousin Stephanie is pregnant at 15. Everything is still I working order. That's the familial side of things.

Then there's the acquaintances and the friends and the lovers and everything looks cherry on the outside and even when you get an up close image, there's really not too many issues to be had. Everyone genuinely likes or cares for one another and they just sit back on a boat while fishing and drinking beer, or the ladies spend the day getting the spa treatment and the acquaintances are happy for them and all this other fun stuff. Even though the wife is secretly sleeping with the neighbor down the street and the husband is meeting a 22 year old at a motel every month when he goes on "retreat". Oh and she's carrying by the way. But everything is golden. No ones getting hurt because no one really knows, it's just the normal life. That's the familial side of things.

Then you've got the professional side of things. The family has it's shortfalls but for the most part, everyone is successful, they put in a lot of effort at work, sometimes too much effort really. But everything is kosher and almost everyone seems to be content with where they're at and who they work with and work for. No real major issues to be had, a bit of office rivalry here and there, some gossiping and all that other fun stuff. That's the professional side of things.

Yet, there's something in all of that, that isn't in us for some reason. Maybe there's a lack of professionalism or an inability to really connect with others or maybe some fear of the apple pie life. Whatever the case may be, it's there, like a splinter in the back of your mind. Driving you mad.

We have this tendency to judge ourselves very harshly because we just don't fit this mold, or we become aggressive and begin to judge those around us who have it. Some measure to make us feel better about the fact that we are outcasts, left as watchers on the sidelines of life.

Seems we're really missing out on so much that any person would desire. We make excuses, we make sacrifices, we do what they won't. We see the truth of the machine. Though even that can get diluted and disfigured. Especially when hate takes hold.

Yet there's still some aspect of us that wants so badly to have that, to be part of it. No matter how fervently we deny it, we need it, we want it, we can't be happy without it. Because it's been beaten into our heads, everywhere we go.

Yet even knowing the manipulation of it all, knowing the complexity of it, how it works, why it works, the reason it exists, we still stand on the hills watching, waiting, wishing.

We cannot deny the truth inside, even if we lie to others and say we don't want. Inside there is a definitive wish to be, a compelling call to partake. We cannot deny our own minds.

And it is that, which eats away at us. Even with mastery, our minds can find those holes and chew through. Even when we believe we've made our amends and we've accepted this reality that we are awake to. There is still that ever present voice inside that knows, sees and expresses the things we so desperately desire on the most basic level of existence.

A place...

To call home.