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I have two partners.
We all love each other, and we are all on the same page when it comes to boundries with physical and sexual affection. There’s one thing that bothers me.
Everyone says “you can’t love two people equally. you love one more than the other, even if it’s not a concious thought.” But I do love them both equally. I don’t ever have a thought that I love one more.
But what if I do subconsciously don’t love one of my partners as much as the other? Or what if they love each other more than me? I don’t think I love either more...But what if I do?
I’ve thought about talking about with them, as we’re all respectful, consenting adults...but I’m not sure.
I love them both so so so much.
(And please don’t be posting religious comments...I’ve heard it all before.)
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Well, there are exceptions. I'm sure I don't have to tell you the possible ramifications of this though, so I'll spare you all the headache.
It is an interesting thought experiment though, how do you go about loving them each the same? Aren't there different aspects to each of them? Some of those aspects may be present in one, but not the other and while you can't draw a definitive line between the two of them, it is entirely possible that with time, the qualities you desire most will manifest in one or the other.
If not for you, then for one of them. As you articulated your own understanding of that fact. You're not inside either of their heads and even if they could express the deeper reasons behind it all, there's still unconscious bias to tend with.
Unconscious bias isn't something that can be controlled or manipulated either. It just is what it is.
Though I will tell you this much, if things go south at some point, don't be afraid to let it. I'm not saying not to try, but if there ever comes a time when it's just obvious that things aren't working, then acknowledge that.
On the inverse, if the three of you manage to hang onto this and you all create this harmonic space where everyone's needs are being met, everyone is content, then acknowledge that too.
While I may not particularly agree with these kinds of relationships, I do support you and your endeavors.
Though, you have to get a bit meta on this for just a moment. If you go asking questions, does that create the fracture that eventually leads to a downfall?
So, maybe it's best that you try not to observe the mechanics behind all of it. As we all know, what you observe and study, you also change. It's called the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle.
My advice, just try to enjoy it for what it is. If it does come to an end, seek to understand the lessons behind it then and only then, address your emotions then. But until then, it's a bridge yet to be crossed.
Who knows, maybe you're all invested enough for this to last a lifetime and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
ReplyWow, this really helped a lot. Thank you so so much!
ReplyWow, this really helped a lot. Thank you so so much!
ReplyYou're more than welcome and I'm not sure if I was too clear so I wanted to make an addendum;
When I say it might be best to not try to look into mechanics behind all of it, I mean like nitpicking/sifting.
I do want to obviously encourage each of you to have a deep understanding of this dynamic. It can just be overdone is all I'm saying. Just in case that sentiment wasn't clear
ReplyThank you.
ReplyThe only way to find out is by discussing with them and if all parties are being open about these topics. There really is no way to know and you'll continue to dwell on these questions. This can also go for non-polyamorous relationships as well, there can always be doubts on your partner's love for you. Openness with your partner(s), self-love, trusting yourself and others can improve your relationship and diminish these thoughts. I hope this helps!
ReplyThank you :) <3
ReplyPolyamorous relationships aren't for me. I don't share very well.
You should read about William Marsten sometime. He's the author of Wonder Woman. There was a movie about his life, too.
Dont let other people cause you to doubt what is right for you. Just because someone does not understand does not make it wrong.
ReplySo much depends on whether you are a woman or a man.
A "real" man wouldn't share the woman he loves with another man.
On the other hand, a "real" man would blissfully participate in a threesome with 2 women if they are willingly partaking in the sexual revelry.
Incidentally, neither of these 2 objects of your love and affection will ever have 100% of your love; it's mathematically impossible. 50-50, 55-45, 60-40 maybe? But you simply cannot love both of them 100%, the math doesn't work. So sorry.
I'm not religious - but by God's design - to make a baby: a woman gives 50% of the genetic makeup and a man gives the other 50% of a genetic makeup. By design, a baby is not "poly-genetic".
But hey - to each his own.
ReplyTwo of us are female. One is non-binary (but born female.)....We plan on adopting someday.
Reply