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I just realized that I'm toxic and manipulate my boyfriend and I want to stop. I feel incredibly bad for realizing what I'm doing. I'm 15 and my boyfriend is 20 (it's legal where I live) and we've been dating for a year. I cheated on him not physically but emotionally like through the internet. I'd send pictures and most of these guys would be in their 20's. I did get pressured into some of them but I still made the decision to send things and this was with a lot of people. I told him about it and felt horrible and still blame myself daily. Lately we haven't facetimed (covid we can't see each other.) so whenever he says he can't or he'll try which I means no I just say it's okay and that I'll facetime someone else. I find myself doing this a lot but whenever he says it's because of family and he'll try part of me wants him to actually try but the rest of me tells him no and to spend time with his family and I mean it. I haven't been the best girlfriend and I'm working on myself and I don't want to be toxic towards him because he's so sweet and kind and I know he truly doesn't deserve it.
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Well one of the major things I can suggest is some self control and self discipline.
I have a feeling the reason you're doing this stuff is because you're living through your emotions. Which can be a rather dangerous way to live, it can get you hurt and you can end up hurting others as well.
Though I must admit, he's stronger than I was. I went through a similar thing with an ex and it really got in my head in a very bad way. So that's something he should definitely be proud of.
On your side, meditation can help you begin to call back those emotions before you go doing things you know you'll regret. Even when you're feeling pressured to send pics, removing yourself from that situation to protect yourself.
Given the circumstances, I have to imagine that these acts are a cry for validation, something that many people have to cope with. It's by no means an attack on you as a person, it's to help you identify the issue and steps you can take to resolve it, if you so choose.
Meditate, take personal responsibility, focus on self discipline. If you're not sure what self discipline is, please look it up. It's not about punishing yourself, it's about doing what's best for you.
These are just a few steps you can take if you truly want to stop this behavior. Hopefully my words can bring some balance.
ReplyMaybe instead of talking to other guys you should try talking to your girlfriends or do something else dude ... that is totally not a valid reason to cheat on him ... he might eventually get over you if you keep this up.. Maybe that is the reason why he is not face timing you .. Just keep yourself busy instead of sending pictures to strangers..
ReplyI wrote this- I haven't cheated on him since I told him which was almost 9-10 months ago. There's no valid excuse as to what I did I'm just trying to work on myself everyday and be a better person. I'd ask him to call beforehand and he'd say yes but then forgets or says he'll try which means no. Then I'd say "Oh okay I'll call someone else." I knew it made him jealous and I realized it was very toxic and rude of me. I always ask if he feels comfortable with me having male friends because of what happened in the past and he responds depend on how they act towards me. Sorry if I wasn't clear enough in my thing.
ReplyThe thing's that will help in order of how much they will help: 1. More honesty with yourself, and more understanding of your own tendencies, needs and desires. (If you realize why you are doing it, stopping becomes so much easier) 2. More honesty with him about those things (you've already started down that path, and backing out now will probably poison the relationship to death with bitterness). 3. Therapy of any kind with someone trained in that stuff. (Second opinions help and if you are 15 it might be easier for you to get started with that depending on where you are.) 4talking to at flirting with other guys up to a limit. This limit should be based on what you and your partner need from each other. If facetiming at all is too much then that's too much. The key with this technique is to set a boundary that you can stick to, just in case. 5. Learning about relationships and how to not be codependent is always pretty useful in any circumstances even remotely similar to this.
Also, you may as well start working on forgiving yourself now. As holding on to guilt can also cause resentment to creep into a partnership....
ReplyYou are 15. I know a five year age gap isn't that big of a deal when you are older but it is now. It may be legal but it might not be right for you. You are not as emotionally and mentally mature as someone in their 20s. You still need to finish school and they are looking at the next part of their life. Don't grow up too fast, you'll regret it
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