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let's just call her R here
you R sometime in my life I pictured us marrying and having children living happily ever after I pictured us caring about each other and that's what you said that you'd do but still you left because I guess you didn't want to risk it and yet after almost two fucking years I still think about you R I still remember the day we walked together on the beach at 11 pm and we started listening to music and laughing I still remember going to the beach with you I still remember taking dumb pictures together and I still remember the days where you felt suicidal and no one ever knew and I knew and helped you to calm down and helped you to overcome this monster in you I still remember you're face R I still remember staying up all night and talking to each other and you saying how much you'll miss me when I travel back because that's who we were until you decided to breakup with me at 3am but also I remember the nights I stayed up cring about you and missing you I remember crying when the braclet that you gave me broke I remember not eating for 2 days because I just couldnt bring myself to do it and of course I remember my attempt at ending it after my final exam and I didn't find anyone to help me through it...why did you have to leave me like that after all that effort i just cant fall in love with anyone anymore i cant bring myself to do it I cant be with anyone else except you no one feels like you no one understood me like you did and I wish someday we would meet again...how pathetic of me hanging on to somebody like this
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I tried my best to help my then girlfriend. She told me that I did and I loved her. Then she cheated on me. I asked her why she didn't simply broke up with me, she told me because she wanted to cheat on me. After a month she wrote me a letter, told me how happy she is with her new boyfriend who she cheated on me with after knowing him for only a week. That did hurt. After that we didn't talk for half a year, and then I already knew that I don't want to get back together with her. That helped. Then after half a year, she called me in the middle of the night, and told me that she wants to meet. I didn't go since I was already half asleep, but we talked for 5hours on the phone. After that I felt a bit better. We were talking for a while but I couldn't shake off the feeling that something is wrong. I gradually felt worse and worse. After a while I told her that I want to forgive her, but I can't do it unless she is sorry for what she did. She told me that she thinks that it's unfortunate that she had to hurt me, but she isn't sorry for what she did because that made her happy.
It still hurts sometimes. Not losing her, not even being cheated on, but how she treated this whole thing afterwards. Sometimes I am ashamed that I loved her too. But I think I shouldn't. Before all this shit happened we had some nice time together, and regardless of what it meant to her, I honestly enjoyed it. Did I feel used during the aftermath? Absolutely. But even if I never really mattered to her, and was just an attempt for her to get her thoughts off of her ex (yeah she also told me that it couldn't work between us, because I reminded her too much to her ex who cheated on her)... but I think that all these things don't matter. Maybe this whole thing was just a fucked up scheme for her to "get even" with her ex, but I still enjoyed some parts of it, I still had some happy memories. And it doesn't matter what these things meant to her, because I won't know it ever for sure. The only things I can know is what it meant to me, and that's why I should only care about that.
There is this funny thing in human nature, that we feel it more painful to lose something that we appreciated than never having it, yet if we never had it, we would never had the nice moments either. I think it's better to enjoy something even if it doesn't last forever, than to never even enjoying it. After all, nothing lasts forever.
I am sorry that you did not have a choice in deciding whether you want to stay with her or not, but you need to know that you have a choice now, you can keep on holding to her memory, or you can choose to not give this much control over your life to someone who chose to not to have you in her life, and live your life for yourself. She is still a part of your life, but only in your thoughts, and you have controll over your thoughts.
Bests!
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