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We met on a dating app with a world in common. Both similar niche interests, similar senses of humour, similar coping mechanisms and healthy as well as unhealthy habits. Talking to him flowed free and easily, as did spending time with him without talking.
We became imbalanced in our dynamic of strength of will. I gave up too much strength over to him, and he pulled back. I agree that the cause of the instability is at a fundamental level. We aren't built on a solid structure of friendship or any other kind of history with each other, so there is an acute lack of safety or familiarity at the core of the friendship.
At the same time, this type of deep level of bonding within a romantic relationship is something I deeply crave and something I don't have the ease of attaining through familiar background with people. That's not to say we can't have that. But, his feelings of unease and instability are the same ones that caused me distress and weakness. And we need to both want to develop a stronger bond outside of the romantic peripheral/more shallowly comforting natural responses that more immediately and less effectively assuage these inconsistencies of structure.
We should be more comfortable expressing more challenging feelings and emotions with each other, something that comes more easily between people who have a shared background or who developed personalities together or more closely.
At the same time, we have a remarkable amount of shared interests and strongly similar approaches to daily and more long-term challenges that should not be undervalued. Without this, the positive, forward & funny shared interests in the way we handle our every day challenges, I would see no value in the relationship.
The strong bond of familiarity stemming from a shared understanding of each other's past/fears/experiences/learned behaviours, in this sense, needs to be filled in like a strong glue that would piece together broken pieces of a beautiful, valuable vase.
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