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I finally wrote something good enough to show my therapist. I'm quite proud of myself. I'll paste it here...
For the past few months, it's been the same story. Something has been bothering me, I go to write. Sometimes I like it, sometimes I get a sudden wave of anxiety and I am not able to write a single word without crying. Even if I like what I say, eventually, after reading it a few times, I start to hate it. In my mind, it isn't "good enough." More anxiousness appears, so I restart.
And I struggle to communicate out loud as well. The problem isn't that I can't tell what I feel, instead it is that I am virtually unable to express that to someone else. There are so many odd quirks and routines I do, and that affects this cycle. Even worse, ever since I started trying to write, my thoughts all came as if I were writing them to someone else (I guess as a preparation?), so I feel like they are not genuine.
When I do get anxious, often times I end up crying. Often the tears struggle to fall so it makes it an even more painful process. I end up having to watch a video or visit a website to distract myself. It's the only way to get my head clear. My favorite websites for this are, "A Poison Hoarder's Comfort Pack" and "Bored Button."
I know the other therapist gave me a sheet full of grounding techniques, but I have never even been able to use them, no matter how hard I try. Often times a random thought will come into my mind and I will be so distracted by it that I stop doing whatever I am doing. Getting dressed, drying my hair, etc
I have so many problems that prevent me from being able to do things like a normal person, but it's so hard to describe them. And that is why I decided to not do the mental-disorder evaluation. One while I was on one of the comfort websites, I decided to go see the "Check-In" option. I actually started crying because I knew I wasn't going to be able to do any of that. Am I able to cope with all this? I can't tell.
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