I don't know what I am

I just want to talk it out so here I am.

I am almost 23 yrs old. female.

I have dated one guy and now in a relationship with another guy.

But my first love was my best friend who is a girl. I know it sounds so weird. So I have known her since we were 10. I love her in a way that I cannot explain.

It all started like last 10 yrs ago where all of us could start to use a big Nokia cellphones or Samsung slide phones, where we can start to chat freely.

I loved talking to her. I loved it. And when Facebook got popular, I was like 13 or 14 yrs old. We started to chat there a lot. I wanted to share memes to her. or basically, I just want to keep talking to her. But I hated it when I found out she is talking to other guys too when we were like 15. I mean I wasn't jealous when she is talking to our other friends. But when she started talking to the guys, I hated it. But I thought it was just a jealousy that you get when your best friend has boyfriend. You know... I thought it is pretty normal. But it kept getting worse and worse. When we were 18, she got a boyfriend. I think it is her first love. She broke up with him after dating for 8 months. And since then she didn't date anymore.

But anyway, when she was dating him, I don't know why but my heart keeps aching. I was 18 and I have crushes on guys. I did. But it's just, with her, it's different. very different. I don't know if that is love or not. I mean, I do love her but I don't know if I am gay. As far as I know, I don't like it when I heard the guy kissed her on her cheeks. I didn't like it when the guy gave her chocolate and gave her his hoodie.

Then she broke up with him and we had a fight. So she told me about the relationship problem she was having with that guy. And as I was soooooo jealous and probably "terribly in love" with her, so I talked about it to my other friend. I didn't tell my other friend that I loved her. I just told her that I wish my best friend could just break up with her current boyfriend because they were having so many issues.

But she found out that I wanted them to break up and she hated me talked about her relationship behind her back. I do accept that she has every right to hate me for talking about this behind her back but you know, it hurt so much. It happens 3 days before my birthday. I cried every night. never in my life, I have begged someone this much. I have never did. But to her, I begged and begged and apologised. I was almost on my knees. But we are best friends so of course, it was all okay again in like two weeks or three weeks. I don't even remember. It took me another 2 yrs to get over her. 2 yrs.

I started seeing a guy when I am 21. We went out for like 5 months. He was my first. So of course, I did like him. But we somehow got broke up it was a long story and that is a different one. So let it be. Then I met my current boyfriend another 5 months later. We are in relationship since then. So it's been over 9 months. June 1st will be our 10 month anniversary. I love him. I feel so warm when I am with him. But we are in long distant relationship now. because I am doing my masters degree in one country and he is in my home country. COVID tears up apart. I got stuck here during second wave. And the problem starts again.

I moved out from my previous place and now living with 3 girls and 2 boys. They all are so nice. But there is this one girl who is one year younger than me. She looks so much alike with my best friend. Personality wise. Face? well both of them have fair skin and glasses. And they both are not girly girls. They both are boyish. Black medium hair. fair and clear skin. slightly boyish. Half of the closet would be filled with teeshirts and 3/4 shorts. At first, I even told my best friend that there is a girl who is similar to her in style and personality wise in the new house I move in.

Today is her birthday. And she is so sweet. she doesn't do anything but she is sweet in my eyes. a few days ago,...okay, I will start to sound very gay from this point, a few days ago, she was wearing a black hoodie. and her chest is showing a bit. She has a flat chest. Not like those girls with big boobs. but I noticed that. I was very surprised myself that I noticed about that. And today, I wished her happy birthday and I was about to go out but It was raining so I went back inside the house and I caught her looking at me. She might be just simply looking at me because I went back inside when it started to rain. But I caught her looking at me and I felt something in my tummy. I am so gay. or maybe Bi. I don't know. I don't know what I am. I am so confused. I do like guys too. trust me. I am turned on by guys too. But I am not gonna lie I also got turned on when I watch girls-girls u-know-what-videos. Okay maybe I am bi. I don't know man. And so when the rain stops, I went out for grocery shopping and saw flowers and wanted to get her flowers. I don't know why. I wanted to buy her those small bouquets. It's like $20 only. But I didn't. it is just so strange.

I can't talk about it to my boyfriend, my bestfriend. I can't talk about this to my parents. I can only talk this out here. So here I am writing a long Long long post.