What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
If you are in crisis and need immediate help, please call 1-800-273-8255 (NSPL) or text TEEN to 839863 (Teen Line). More resources.
The way he made me feel like I was nothing yet everything is incredible. He could destroy me with one word but build me back up with another. I was strung along by him and he loved the attention I gave him. He was my whole world to me, and I was there to believe I was his too. When I think back on it I realize he was talking to so many other girls, but I cant begin to imagine if he spoke to them the same way. Surely, he had to have, why else would they be so interested in talking to him if he didn’t? He had girls he talked to way more than me yet called me the “most important person” in his life. He always said he didn’t know why those girls had more snap scores with him, but obviously he knew. He was lying and he lied all the time to me. I could never lie to him though. I wanted to be honest with him because I loved him and you should be honest with the person you love. He would say such sweet things to me, to the point where I felt like I was walking on clouds. Nothing could ever beat that feeling, I thought. Although, when he would tear me down, violently, my whole world- him- was gone. I felt nothing, either sadness or anger, and usually at myself. How could I let someone so amazing go? He was the only person who loved me. I will never get better than him. That’s what I told myself, and then my dive into a numb universe would start.
Without him, I had no reason to live. So if I had no reason to live, why stay alive? That question I asked myself, I also solved. There is no reason! I lost my one beacon, so I will just end myself to reprieve myself of the pain I was in. The pain of feeling only negative emotions. I was a coward though, there was no way I could hang myself, or drink bleach, or slit my wrists. I was too scared to do stuff like that, I was afraid if I did it that way I wouldn’t go through with it once it started to hurt. So I looked for alternative ways. Turning the car on in the garage? Couldn’t do that, the car wasn’t parked in the garage. Overdosing on pills? I couldn’t even swallow them. I kept searching for unique ways to take my own life so I could get out of this nightmare. I then found out people could die from sharpie poisoning. Looking back on it now I’m not sure if it is actually true but, when I found out that it was possible, I immediately searched for one. When I found one, I was really happy, I didn’t want to use it yet, but I laid it on my bedside table so that if I ever needed to escape, if it ever got too bad, I had some way to help myself. It felt good having something that would take me away without pain. I looked for other ways, because I wanted multiple, but it was too hard to find ways to kill myself when all the internet tells me is to NOT kill myself.
There was one night I called him, I was sobbing, and I begged him to forgive me, I forget what I even did but I knew I needed him. He laughed at me, he called my crying funny and cute. It really hurt but I clung on to the very slight subtle compliment because I needed his approval. After that night we started talking again, we had not been talking much before. I remember one time I really wanted to get a pixie cut and I wanted braces because my teeth weren’t very nice. I immediately went and asked him “what would you think if I got a pixie cut and braces?” and he replied, “you can do whatever you want, I just wouldn’t want to see you if you did that to yourself.” Again, I was broken. Then a few days later on my birthday, I was getting ready to go out to eat with my family and I was texting him. He then told me “I honestly don’t think anyone could love you more than I do. I think I’m the only one who ever will.” I don’t know if he didn’t know how terrible and hurtful that sounded but, I agreed with him. Because I thought he was right. That night at 5 am he begged me for a picture of myself in my underwear. I wasn’t comfortable with that, and I told him I didn’t want to. He began to insult me and beg me at the same time, so I did it for him. Once I did it he apologized, and said he felt terrible and that he has never felt so terrible before. It was a lie because, a few days later he wanted more pictures, even though I told him I didn’t want to.
He got a girlfriend, we were only friends, so it was normal for him to date, I think. She was really pretty, I really liked her and respected her, I have no hard feelings towards her. I was mad at him though. He knew how I felt about him, and he didn’t care. I remember one night while he was dating her, he texted me. He told me he had deleted the pictures of me and needed more. He was begging me, and this told him I told him no, because he was in a relationship and I did not want to do that to his girlfriend. He told me “Im gonna break up with her tomorrow anyways so please.” And I told him I would, but AFTER he had actually broken up with her. He was really angry about that, but I didn’t cave in. I stayed up all night telling him no, and then when morning came, I got so excited. He said he was going to break up with her, which meant he wanted to be with me instead. I waited. I kept waiting for him to tell me that he ended it with her. I waited, and waited, and waited. It never happened. He had lied to me, he was trying to get me to send pictures, he didn’t like me, he wanted me to entertain himself. I felt so upset.
After that, I began to feel sorry for his girlfriend, he would tell me stories about her. It was very odd, he would explain how much he liked her, and then the next how much he liked me instead of her. A little bit later he told me he had lost his virginity to her. I was really sad about it, and he told me “I was thinking of you the whole time, I just pretended it was you I was sleeping with.” That really scared me. Why wasn’t he happy with her? I thought about speaking to her about it but she didn’t personally know me. I was basically his secret. She knew we wee childhood friends, but I think to her that’s all it looked like. I was too scared; I didn’t want to talk to her I didn’t want to get involved with her I didn’t want to ruin it. She looked so happy with him, so maybe it was only me he abused. Why did he abuse only me? Why wasn’t I enough?
A few months later, we stopped talking. I looked back into our discord messages and noticed he had removed every message he ever sent to me. I’m guessing so that his girlfriend couldn’t go through his phone and see what he said. He had told me before she was upset that he was texting some other girl on snapchat so much. He said she didn’t think much about me and him texting but obviously that isn’t true, considering he deleted those messages. And obviously what he was doing was also bad, and unfaithful.
After that we had very few encounters, the last one we had was maybe 2 years ago, where I told him to stop talking bad about me to my friends. He said he never did but my friends had told me that he did. I have moved on now, I don’t care about him anymore and I’m really happy now. I want to mention that, I skipped over a LOT of details because this all took place over the course of 7 years, so I wasn’t able to mention everything. He did a lot more than what I typed, but my mind is a bit fuzzy about all of it. I don’t think I can piece together everything in chronological order because it is such a massive amount of information, and to be honest I don’t think I WANT to piece every details together. Having most of it be fuzzy for me helps out. I just typed what came to my head first, and I have never told anyone this much about him but, now I have.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
The love you abused
It is currently 4/29/21 I am now 13 and writing this unsent letter. I was taken away from my mother when I was 3. I loved my mother, but she was acholic and had...
-
Conflicted ?
I want you to hit me, hit me hard and make me feel how frustrated you are. I want you to snap me back into reality because I am oblivious, I wish I could unders...