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23/12/2020
25 weeks pregnant
9am. Im at my ultrasound appointment. It’s supposed to be a regular check up. I’m waiting to be called in. My husband is waiting in the car and we are texting each other back and forth. He’s asking why he can’t come inside. Covid. I hate it. He’s angry but he understands. It’s our first baby. He wants to hear his baby’s heartbeat and be with me in the room.
9:10am. They call my name. I lay down, the technician proceeds with the ultrasound. 10 minutes pass. She shows me his little body. She says listen to his heartbeat. I get so happy. Everything is ok. Great. 20 minutes in. I see concern on her face. I think, why is this taking so long. Is everything ok? Before my thought finishes, the technician tells me to clean up and wait in the waiting room because the radiologist has to speak to me. I ask, what’s wrong. I am told just wait for the radiologist.
9:35am. I go outside to my husband. I explain what the technician tells me and I am crying. He hugs me and says don’t worry, everything is going to be ok. I’m sure the technician just wants to confirm something with the radiologist. Nothing will happen. I go back inside and wait what feels like an eternity.
9:45am. The receptionist calls me up and says take the phone. The radiologist has to speak to you. With shaking hands I take the phone and listen as the radiologist tells me that there is no fluid in my womb and that my baby is smaller than should be at this stage of pregnancy. I’m in tears. She tells me I need to get to the hospital right away, my OB is waiting for me.
10:15am. We arrive at HR Hospital. I don’t even know how we got here. My husband holding my hand while driving reassuring me everything is going to be ok. Me crying. It is all a blur. A nurse comes in and places a machine on my stomach. She says it’s for the baby’s heartbeat. She finds it right away. She says nothing and walks away. A few minutes later a doctor comes in and introduces himself. He’s not my OB I think. He explains that my OB is in surgery and that she has caught him up on what the ultrasound has shown. My husband grabs my hand and we listen to the doctor explain that our baby is showing to be very small in the ultrasound. I am in tears. The doctor says we have sent a referral to the high-risk unit at S Hospital and you will go see a doctor there tomorrow. This is all we can do for now. I’m sent home.
12:00pm. We get home. My husband takes me upstairs to our bedroom, lays me down on our bed and kisses my forehead. Rest he says. I hear him on the phone in the other room. He’s talking to my parents. I fall asleep.
2pm. The rest of the day is a blur. I just remember my family coming over and reassuring us that everything will be ok.
24/12/2020
12:30pm. We arrive at S hospital. My husband has to wait in the car again. I get called in for my ultrasound. Half an hour passes. The technician is mumbling. She calls in another tech. I’m getting really nervous. I don’t want to ask if everything is ok because I am afraid of the answer. After what seems like an eternity, I get asked to clean up and wait in room 1.
3:00pm. I look at my phone. Several missed calls and texts from my husband and family. I just have time to text my husband that I finished my ultrasound before a nurse walks in. She takes my blood pressure. Repeats it 3 times. She asks if I normally have high blood pressure. I don’t. She nods and the doctor walks in. She explains to the doctor that my blood pressure is really high. 190/90. I’m shocked. The doctor introduces himself. He asks if I can get my husband on the phone. I do. The doctor looks at me takes a deep breath and gets straight to business. So as you know from yesterday’s ultrasound, your baby is small. As per the ultrasound done today, your baby is at the size of a 21 week old fetus. He’s one month behind. You have a condition named preeclampsia. Your placenta is resisting sending oxygen and food to your baby. Your baby is causing you to have high blood pressure. It’s preeclampsia with IUGR (intrauterine growth retardation). This is not a common condition. Your baby cannot stay in your womb full term, he will pass away. I can’t breathe. What did he just say? I need time to process this. He goes straight to three options. 1. We take the baby out, he will most likely not live. 2. We terminate the pregnancy. 3. You go home, leave it up to god and let it take its course. Just remember, if the baby is still causing you harm we will have no choice but to deliver the baby. Your health is first. It hits me like a brick. The doctor is still talking but it’s just going in one ear and out the other. I hear myself asking, that’s it? There’s nothing else we can do? You can’t keep him inside of me and make him grow. You can’t give me fluids? Nothing? He says I’m sorry. I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear. You don’t have to make a decision right now. I’m bawling at this point. He tells my husband that he can come inside now because I am not going to be allowed to the leave the hospital tonight. I am going to be admitted. The doctor says if we don’t get my blood pressure down I will have a stroke.
4:30pm. I see my husband running towards me. I drop in his arms and wail. He holds me and we cry together. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Why us? I keep on asking him. Why us? We walk to maternity triage together and I get admitted. I change into the hospital gown and lay on the bed. We are both on our phones trying to update our families.
5:30pm. Nurses come by. I get blood drawn. Covid test. The works. It still hasn’t registered. I’m still in denial. This can’t be happening I think. My husband is trying to make me laugh and lighten the mood. I love him so much. Always trying to be strong. He just keeps telling me to be positive. Trust god. God knows best. I agree with him. We pray and say everything will be ok.
7:00pm. Doctors walk in. 3 of them. I’m scared. They are neonatologists. They explain to me what can happen if I decide to keep my baby. What the outcomes look like, the odds of him surviving,
development problems and the learning disabilities he may have if he survives. They are blunt. I hate them. I don’t know what to do. I look to my husband. He just looks at me with tears, says nothing but also everything. I know what we need to do. We are keeping the baby. It doesn’t matter what happens. He is our baby. However god gives him to us we will accept and love him. They say ok and leave.
8:00pm. My husband has to leave. They won’t let him stay. He begs them to let him stay. They say no. He kisses my forehead and leaves. I cry myself to sleep.
25/12/2020
8:00am. I’m taken for an ultrasound. The technician is frowning and I ask what’s wrong. She looks to me and says it looks like we are getting your baby delivered today. No. It’s too soon! I can’t breathe. Your baby will die in a few hours if we don’t deliver now. I cry. I ask if I can get my husband to come. I can’t do this without him. She says yes. I have to go into emergency surgery.
10:30am. I’m taken in for surgery. My husband is by my side. Holding my hand. He has bags under his eyes. He’s aged 1000 years since last night. We both have.
11:45am. Our sweet baby boy is born. 25/12/2020. 407grams. 10 inches. My husband gets a glimpse of him before he is rushed away to the NICU.
1:00pm. I can’t see him. I’m not allowed. I see his tiny little face through FaceTime. My husband is holding his finger whispering to him how proud he is of him. So strong. So brave. Like a lion. A fighter. I love him so much. I wish I could hold him. Hours pass. My husband goes back and forth from NICU to my room. Two days go by like this.
27/12/2020
11:00am. I’m finally allowed to see my baby. My husband helps me get in the wheel chair and pushes me to my baby’s room. My heart is pounding. I’m so nervous. I see his little body in the incubator. I push myself up and soak him in. He’s so small I think. How is he going to survive? I cry. I feel like I have done nothing but cry. I just don’t know what else to do. My husband holds me and keeps on repeating everything will be ok. We trust god and his plan. I nod. I know the worst wasn’t over yet. We had a long journey ahead of us.
The next month and a half is a roller coaster ride. It has its ups and downs. I don’t leave the hospital a single moment because I’m scared if I leave something will happen. He is doing well one moment and the next he’s not. I’m exhausted and angry. I don’t want this. I want him home with me. I want to hold him. I want to kiss him. I can’t. I get to hold him twice for 4 hours each time during this month and a half. I get to kiss him once.
05/02/2021
5am. He’s not doing well. He’s not responding to his medication. They tell me they have tried everything. This might be his time. I can’t accept it. I don’t want to lose him. He’s supposed to grow and I’m supposed to take him home. He’s supposed to have a long life. How am I going to live without him? How will we get past this? My husband and I just hold each other and wail.
8am. My husband holds him for the first time. He holds him while whispering to him how much he loves him. I see tears rolling down his face. I hold them both and silently cry listening to him whisper words of love to our child.
9:00am. My parents are allowed to come in and see my baby boy for the first time. My dad puts his hand on him and prays. He prays and cries. We all do.
11:00am. I hold him for the last time. He looks so peaceful sleeping. His cute little pouting mouth. I kiss him everywhere. I whisper to him that I love him and that whenever he is ready to go he can. 05/02/2021. 11:30am he takes his final breath in my arms. My husband is right beside me, holding us both. I hold him for another hour soaking him in knowing this will be the last time I get to see and hold him. They take him from me. I’m utterly broken. I lose it. I wail. My husband and my parents try to calm me down. My husband looks me in the eyes and repeatedly says to me we have faith. We believe in gods plan. We accept His plan for us. I whimper knowing he is right. I agree. I have to let go. He was a gift from God. A precious gift that we given to us for 43 days. In the end my baby boy belonged to his creator and to his creator he went.
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