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I’m lying to everyone. Especially my only, best friend. She’s the one I’ve learned to tell everything I can bear to. There are things I’m too ashamed of to ever speak out loud but I’m lying to her- saying I’m all better and that the cutting is gone for good and I’m healed and happy and doing great. And I don’t feel guilty. At all, even though I should. I’ve been noticing I lie to people and I think it’s to see if I feel guilty, and I never do. So I just lie more because I’m fine, but not, and I don’t know what is wrong with me. It’s like I’m incapable of truly feeling compassion anymore, if I ever did. But back to the main point, I’m lying and she’s going through a really hard time like always but for some reason I think maybe if I just keep convincing her I’m doing amazing she’ll be able to have a kind of lighthouse to follow, but I was also worrying tonight that maybe my lies will do the opposite and make her wonder if something is wrong with her. I’m a shitty person, I know, but I don’t know how to be there for her and not let my own struggles hurt her like they have in the past. I can’t tell her the truth though. She was so happy when I told her the cutting was gone. So I can’t tell her I lied to her about it again. Don’t worry, the irony isn’t lost on me. I just don’t know what to do anymore because nothing I do seems to be the right choice- when I pretend to be happy or am truthful. I’m just hoping if I pretend long enough again maybe I’ll be the only person I hurt.
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People are caught out with their lies so stop doing it. Things will be a lot worse between the two of you when she realizes you have been lying to her.
Replydont lie, but dont load your problems onto her. dont load your problems onto her but dont lie. just. i dont know. i just know that loading problems onto people hurts them alot, so if you need to let it out let it out to somebody who can truly handle it, like a therapist. damn i know i should get a therapist, i just dont got the gut.
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