A letter to my dad

Dad,

I have given some time to think about our last serious conversation. You asked if I wanted you in my life. To be honest, I do not care if you are there or not. I have always hated how it feels like i have had to beg you for a relationship. You have given it to Sarah, Patrick, and Olivia. I feel like you truly hate me and are disappointed in me when I have done nothing wrong to you. I remember Sarah asking for a co signer for her car, someone to pay for her sports equipment, someone to pay for her instrument. You have given it all to her. When it came down to be, i have been given a pile of dust. I feel like when it came to me, I was given nothing and no love from you. It has made me resent you and men like you. Men like you with little love to give have truly plagued my life. Abusive men seem to come and go all the time. Ian was one of them. He always put his hands on me and you knew about it and did nothing. I have a fear of men because of you and what you did when I was younger. You can say all you want and deny it, but it happened dad. A simple, "I was not perfect" means absolutely nothing. You will never understand how that still affects me to this day. I have absolute horror stories of what you did to me. It was not fair to me either that when I was growing up, I was raising your child at 8-10 years old because mom was not home. You would sleep or play video games. I never deserved to take care of Olivia at such a young age. I deserve a thank you for taking a kid so young. Its made me really never to want to have children. When you would scare me because I was throwing a temper tantrum, I would be so scared of you for the following week that I would not even be able to be around you. I remember when you wanted me to put my hands up on the foot board because you wanted to smash them or when you came up to me and kicked me in my back two times because I was screaming. I remember me coming home with a B on my report card and you would hand it back to me saying it is not good enough because it was not an A. I remember you calling me fat in my prom dress that I thought I looked good in. I have body dysmorphia now because of that and a binge eating disorder because of it and from you calling me either fat or dumpy. That is the dad I remember. You were horrible to me growing up and abusive. I do not hate you. I am not a hateful person, but you are an asshole. I think you moving will ruin any chance of a relationship with me or Olivia. I do not know why Olivia does not want a relationship with you, but that is something you need to talk to her about. So far in my life, I have done everything without your help. I am your only child who is getting their college degree. You never ask or what to be involved in that. I am extremely happy in my job. You never ask or what to be involved in that. I live in my own area happily. You never ask or what to be involved in that. I may not be as successful or as rich as you or my siblings, but i sure as hell am happier with the way things are. My relationship with my boyfriend is good and I am happy with it. He is the first man to not put his hands on me and actually cares for me. I do not have to beg him for love or ask me about my day. I have only wanted a father who loves me. I was always so jealous of kids at school when they would post pictures of them with their fathers. They always had good relationships with their dads. Their dads would attend their events, attend their softball games, pick them up from school with lunch for them, help them go to college. You never did that for me. You have failed at being my father. I want to build a relationship but you make it so hard to. I want you to reach out to me and tell me you miss me and want to hangout with me. I want to go to lunches and dinners with you without taking about mom. I understand she hurt you but please stop talking about it. It still hurts to know the only two people that were your role models are constantly at each other's throats. So I do not care if you are in my life or not. I am leaving that up to you because the last 19 years of my life have had very little to no love or effort. You need to try harder. You being here or not will not make a difference in my life. My life will go on because I am so used to it now. I am a grown woman and you need to understand that. You are not allowed to make fun of me anymore. You are not allowed to treat me like shit and think it is okay. I want more out of you and if you do not care then leave. Again I do not hate you but I am done of feeling worthless because of you. I deserve more and better.