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Electronics Exam today was pretty much better than physics. I am a little stressed these days because I’ve been neglecting my studies. I am much worried about my grades and my future now. It feels so stressful when I think of everything. I know people have overthinking brains that only knows how to make us worry rather than make us do something to prevent that. Apart from that, my life’s going smooth, if I ignore the irritation and helplessness my family brings me. I know everyone has their own merits and demerits. I know they provide me all the necessities, food and warmth and I love them for that. But they also disregard my emotions and feelings sometimes…..maybe many times. They even regard my anxiety issue and depression as something ridiculous and something I imparted upon myself. Like I myself wanted to have nervousness to do things, sleepless nights, inferiority, overthinking, not having strong bonds with friends and all. At some point, I felt it was hard to breathe, hard to face people, hard to communicate, difficult to share my feeling and overall, I felt it would be good if I was dead. I am past that now but it still feels complicated when I think of my family. My dad loves my family. I know that but he’s irresponsible sometimes that causes fights with my mom. My mom’s family continuously fights and argues like there is no tomorrow. Even my paternal family does that. I clearly remember curling myself into a ball when there’s a big fight and that was violence. For a small kid, that is. I am fed up with them. And now I hate relatives. I know I can’t change my parent’s opinions but still I wanted them to consider me and my brother. Our feelings. I don’t know if I would be here, breathing, if it wasn’t for my big brother. He always stayed with me, sharing those dark memories together. One time my parents fought, like literally, a big one, I was dragged by my mother to the living room to hear her words and be her support. Maybe she was really broken or something I don’t know. But I only know, that time, I felt everything was a mistake. Me being born and them making me face that darkness. That was in an apartment, 2nd floor. I know that isn’t a big height but for a 13 year, that is, and I almost jumped down. My brother was the reason I couldn’t do that. When I think of it now, it feels silly. Who can I blame? My mother who is a job holder and who stills spends all her thoughts and time about our family? Or my father, a job holder and someone who in my view neglects our thoughts sometimes but mostly think of us? Or my grandparents for raising them in a chaotic and violent environment? Or my brother who once went through the same things and now gained immunity to their behavior? Or my pathetic self who is still stuck in these dark thoughts and depression?
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