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I looked around online for help first, but I couldn’t find much of anyone else with this particular issue. My dad is unkind to me and publicly bashes me all the time, even to strangers, as if everyone needs to know how terrible of a person he thinks I am even if he plays it as a joke. It isn’t anyone’s business, and honestly I do feel shame. I know I can be a better person. But the things he picks on me for are so trivial a lot of the time and they don’t speak to me as a person, he just says things with so much malice. Just little mistakes like forgetting to take the chicken out or being quiet (I am really quiet around him because he’ll either yell at me or make fun of me) or skills I don’t have (like my poor singing voice), and he wants to make fun of me to others all of the time over things like that. I’ve noticed lately he’s doing a lot more of it to my friends, where he’ll try to make me look crazy or try to start a fight with me when I’m most vulnerable, when I’m with people who unconditionally love me. And he says things that make them uncomfortable too, like he assumes an overt familiarity with them. People have come to me after meeting him and told me it was a bit much. It feels to me like he’s trying to make the friendships I have into his own. Whenever I have people over he always talks to them for hours, just talking about himself and never asking about them. It makes me want to bring no one over. It feels near disrespectful to me because our time is meant to be together and he doesn’t seem to have any respect for that. I have seen one person maybe once every two months since covid started and I am deeply unhappy as it is. I hardly bring anyone over in the first place because I hate how he’s been bashing me all the time lately. I don’t know what his problem is. He’ll pick on me to the cashier, to my friends, to the family. He’s mean to me, with people around or not, and I don’t like being around him because he makes me feel bad about myself and uncomfortable. Today he was talking with the neighbor and the neighbor’s nephew, who is my age and visiting from out of state. I didn’t go and talk to them even though I usually would because I know my dad would’ve found something to bully me about. I was wearing a skirt today, he probably would’ve said I was looking for attention and called me a whore. I’m so tired of hearing about how bad I am all the time. I don’t think I’m all that bad anymore, but whenever he makes fun of me it makes me feel small, and some part of me is still conditioned to feel bad about myself. I know it’s what he wants, even if he wouldn’t say that, but he has literally no other reason to be so openly cruel to me all the time if he liked me at all. He’s never said anything nice about me, I can’t remember anything like that. I think he may just want to be liked and this is a method of making me look undesirable as a person in comparison, so he’ll be liked more. It has hurt me a lot to be around him
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God I forgot to mention that he used to threaten us with abandonment all the time, and still does. He just likes attention I think
ReplyI'm so sorry you're going through this, it sounds horrible... my advice would be to talk to him about how you're feeling, and I know you might not want to do this because he might not listen or he might get mad at you, but it really is the best option, to get to the root of the problem. you could also express how you're feeling to someone that he'll listen to, so that they could make him see your point of view. if you want to see your friends maybe ask to make plans outside of your house maybe at a restaurant or the beach or even their house, to avoid making them feel uncomfortable at your house and avoid you having to feel bad about yourself. I hope this helps and I hope your situation gets better <3
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