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Unoriginal angst I had to externalize to get through the day.
3 years ago · 0 · Free Writing, +4 · Explicit
290
You stand there. Tall. Humming and sometimes vocalizing the lyrics of whatever music it is that you're listening to. Usually, it's a bit startling when you do. Today, though, I'm slower to react, if I even react at all.
I sit behind you slumped over in my chair, half-hoping to remain unnoticed, half-hoping you'll approach me wondering what's wrong. I don't know which would hurt more.
Right now, I hear [her] from across the fucking room. Days like today, I can't stand the way she talks. She's loud. She thinks she's funny and relatable with everything she says. She speaks with a hissy "s" in every other word like some wannabe prep girl trying to sound cuter than she actually is. I wonder if she's somehow slipped her "I'm slowly dying" narrative into casual conversation today.
She doesn't deserve to be the magnet of my pain, though. She doesn't know.
Just over the barrier, I see the side of [his] face. His glasses are tucked behind his ears as he cranes over whatever now sits on the work table today.
A peculiar lack of emotion prevails.
Today, my heart doesn't flutter. Today, my eyes don't grow in size when they look at you. Today, a knot sits in the middle of my throat, clawing at the flesh walls and begging to be let out.
Red, glassy eyes and flushed cheeks would give it away, though. I can't have that at work...
No. No, not yet.
You'll be free soon.
You tap on my desk before wandering out the door as the rest of your day begins. Here I am, though, stuck at my desk. Sometimes thinking about you, sometimes thinking about her, somethings thinking about how much better off I'd be if I could love the right people.
I've muted our text conversation for the day. I sent you my good morning response, we talked in the office for a bit, but that's all. Today, unlike before, I don't get my hopes up every time I unlock my phone. I want there to be a little red notification symbol, but when it is not there, I don't feel disheartened. I feel almost validated.
The silly, meaningless games I play for myself.
Several times, I've typed a few words to send you, but they were swiftly deleted.
I want you to chase me today. Ask me how I'm doing, ask me if I'm okay, ask me if you can come by later and give me a hug, ask me to stay the night at your place so you can hold me and tell me that tomorrow will be better.
Ask me out for a day this weekend.
Ask me if I *want* to see you.
Ask me...anything. Anything that will make me feel like...well...
You asked me if I had any plans. I left it ambiguous just in case, but I now feel like I gave off the vibe of not wanting to do anything with anyone.
I need to know you want me, too. No, we're not supposed to do this, but I need to know.
I unlock my phone again. Nothing new. Nothing...nothing.
2 more hours. 2 more hours. I want to go home. Please just let me go...
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