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I’m still coping with everything that I’m going through especially my mental health struggles. I will admit that I’m not a good daughter, I make horrible and insensitive jokes that hurt my parent’s feelings. But I don’t think I deserve to feel this worthless as if I belong to Hell. Nobody in my family knows what I am dealing with. Whenever we got into a fight, they would ignore anything that I just expressed like it’s nothing and no big of a deal. Little do they know; I’m hurting so much inside that it almost kills me slowly yet so deep and bloody. I’m not expressing this to get anyone’s attention or empathy or sympathy for me, I‘m doing this because I know I don’t have what it takes to express everything that I kept for so long or what I’ve been writing for so long to those who caused me this much of pain.
Anyone in this world doesn’t deserve to feel like they don’t belong in this life. I stand by my words. I’m trying my best to be okay, to be good, to show nothing but kindness but I guess my words and actions overturn it consequently, I hurt somebody else. I never meant to make my jokes or my words seems like a curse or harm to anyone. I’m sorry for not being kind and hurting your feelings. I’m sorry mum, I’m sorry dad, I’m sorry to my two little brothers, I’m sorry to my friends. I just wish that I can be somewhere safe where I feel safe being who I am, safe to be vulnerable, safe from suicidal thoughts, safe from my anxiety, safe from the harm that life might cause me, and safe to love myself.
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You are perfect and are in the process of discovering this truth. It is at the core of who you are. There are layers of thoughts and confusion that need to be pealed away to reveal this. It can happen naturally but that takes a long time and a lot of unintended harm can happen along the way. With a plan it can happen much faster but not instantly.
Thoughts, all of them, come and go. Their arrival does not make them yours, give then importance, or give them meaning. You do that. You are the gate keeper. You decide which ones to notice and give your attention to. When you add a story and an emotional reaction, you give the thought the energy it needs to stick around longer and return often. This applies to good, bad, preferred, unwanted, helpful, or harmful ones.
This is a plan that should work if you are serious about becoming a better person. You have plenty of thoughts that initiate behaviors you regret - plenty of thoughts about your inability to resist acting the way that you do. What you need is to set the stage for the arrival of thoughts that you prefer to have.
So today, right now, decide on 2 or 3 things that you want to help make happen in your life. Write a paragraph or 2 about each of them. Edit these summaries often until they are really clear to you and are brief. Keep them close. Read them often (at least daily). Now when a thought arrives that supports any of these dreams in any way, give it the attention it deserves. Use your imagination, add a dramatic story, get excited, and if it causes you to do something helpful, that is even better.
Now the unwanted thoughts will still show up quite often initially. This can't be prevented. These thoughts can't be pushed out of your mind. That would give them the energy they need to persist. When these thoughts show up just let them be there in your mind without you reacting in any way. Look at them as if they are presented in a language you do not understand. You will be withholding the energy they need. Soon the thought will simply dissolve and will be replaced by another perhaps unwanted thought. If this happens, repeat the process of just observing and not reacting. Eventually, a thought worthy of your attention and consideration will arrive and now you know what to do.
This is a process that takes some effort but it can be useful and helpful. Give it a try and let me know if it helps.
ReplyI see you,I feel ur pain and ur hurt,i keep fucking up and hurting the people i care about,And ik i have people that love me and care about me but I still feel so alone and in the back of my mind i tell myself im alone and useless.So im so sorry ur in pain and im so sorry you feel like this,but plz try and stay strong.
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