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It's about two hours before my 30th birthday dinner with my family and I honestly would love to die. Maybe not really? I dunno. I am not in a good place with them. the last two months have been hell and I know it's victimy but I honestly just feel like they all hate me and this dinner is a burden on everyone and it pains me inside that were all gonna force ourselves to be nice and smile . I hate not being genuine. I don't know how to stop crying. I think I'll be crying the whole way to dinner. I don't want to shower. I want to lay in bed and cry. Another birthday that im single and have no accomplishments. Another birthday where I'll deny a dessert because nobody in my family eats dessert and will judge me for it. I'll pick at my food and then on the way home get taco bell and cry some more in my car. I know most will just say " just cancel it and say you don't feel like it." In my family thats not an option. It would be rude of me. Most of the time I just feel like everyone is faking being nice to me and secretly have no desire to be around me. . Well. I have to go shower now. wish me luck.
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