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As most may know by now, I've been having some significant issues with rage. Well, my therapy appointment is in about 8 hours and I need to know how I can talk about this stuff and be as helpful as possible so that my therapist can actually point me in the right direction.
I've thought it over and over. I could just go all out and talk about the vile things that go through my mind. All the hatred buried in there. But I'm more concerned about how that makes me look, I suppose. It's not exactly a threat, but the notions are there and it's very much real, so... I don't know. Maybe that's the responsible thing to do?
Or, I could just talk about the feeling itself perhaps? But that doesn't really address the issue now does it.
I don't think that not saying anything is the way I want to go. So the question is how I go about addressing this in a meaningful way so my therapist can best offer help.
I haven't really talked about the rage inside, even here. I haven't talked about the thoughts that manifest behind it. Still not really sure I even want to. I really don't even know where to begin.
It seems like the more I try to face this, the more intense it becomes and I feel myself unraveling when I dive into those waters.
It is affecting my actions. I've found myself aggressively throwing things for no particular reason. This bubbling feeling inside like some primal need to scream. It keeps me awake at night alongside the heat again.
I even made a little playlist of music because sometimes I feel like I'm losing myself in this and I have to remind myself what is going on.
I'm not afraid I'll ever hurt someone else, I've always lived by the mantra that I'll hurt myself before I hurt anyone else. That doesn't mean the thoughts aren't there.
But the big thing that really gets me is this battle between wanting to see others as genuinely good and this other version that wants to take all that faith away, to believe that human beings are genuinely evil and inherently selfish.
The other sources, I understand why they're there. But this particular one, I don't know where it came from. All I know is it came from somewhere deep. It strikes me as not of my mind. I've explored my own mind to great extent and have never come across this particular brand of rage. In fact, I'm fairly certain I've mapped out my entire mind so not knowing where this came from is kind of concerning.
Anyway, I guess I just need to know how to effectively communicate all of this in a reasonable amount of time. It just doesn't go away. It's like a dumbbell strapped to the back of my head, I can physically feel it there. Like some malignant tumor trying to take me over.
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Tell the therapist what you have said in this post.
ReplyI literally just got off the phone with my therapist. Talked about it, went a bit more in to detail than I did here.
The overwhelming message she had was "what are you doing to take care of yourself?" And you know, I'm not doing a whole lot to take care of myself.
But I am doing some things. I'm trying to maintain my physical health, you know. Vitamins, hygiene, stuff like that and I recently cut off my news sources because I felt it was just exasterbating the problems with my rage.
She seems to believe that once I manage to get myself into a better place, that I might become an advocate for some of the issues that I care about. Because I am highly informed in those topics and it does matter a great deal to me.
I won't go into what issues but nevertheless, maybe she's right. I'm not fully sure, but maybe and maybe in that, I can channel all that energy from that rage into something beneficial and constructive.
Reply