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So I have a pretty good relationship with my parents. They do their best to be supportive, even if sometimes they miss.
However, lately it's felt like I have to act a certain way to make them happy.
My parents are good; They tell me they love me, they support me, they want what's best for me. But my mom's mom wasn't that way. My grandma has BPD and was really inconsistent, so my mom grew up to have some control issues. She needs to feel like she's in charge, she can't feel like someone is going against her, and she gets upset when she feels like someone doesn't respect her or recognize how hard she works.
I also have some control issues, but not like she does. I like to know what's going to happen to me, schedule, meal plans, transportation, etc. I want enough information to be able to feel like I can keep myself safe (I went through some bad mental health things as a kid that adults didn't understand or address properly and I had to save myself from that, leading to a lasting need to have at least a backup plan to help myself in the event that adults can't help me).
This can collide with mom's control issues. When I ask to know a schedule, she feels like I'm trying to take over or that I don't trust her to do it right. The truth is, I try my best to trust her to take care of me, but I feel safer if I'm equipped to handle myself as well. When I ask about plans or anything, she often gets upset and cries, which makes my dad frustrated with me.
I've found that it's better to backseat my needs in order to make her feel in charge. This way I don't have her upset with me. It feels gross because I really do feel safer knowing what's happening to me and I use it to calm myself, but I sacrifice that.
My mom also likes to talk about if she thinks something is weird after I express interest, and when I feel hurt or not as enthusiastic, she says that I shouldn't value other peoples opinions so much. For example, I can say I like a certain dress, she can say she thinks it's ugly and point out all the flaws, then when I put it back after having it ruined for me, she'll tell me to "get it if I want" and to "not take her opinion so seriously."
She likes to bring up how I value other people's opinions a lot. When I explained that I don't like shopping with her because we have different styles and she makes me feel like I have to shop in a way she approves of, she said that I couldn't let other people's opinions change my mind. But I value her opinion because she's my mom and if we're doing something together, I can't avoid her opinions.
She said that I shouldn't listen to her because it will make me vulnerable to manipulation by other people. Like, she doesn't want me listening to her opinions, but she hoists them on me all the time.
I already know I'm vulnerable to manipulation and it scares me. Sometimes it's just easier to let someone else be in charge if they demand it and I don't have enough energy to push back and deal with the pain they give me.
Lately, mom has been really lax about how she talks to me. She describes some of the things I do as weird and says things like, "Well that was stupid of you" and "don't be dumb." When I talk about problems I'm having, like the bad pain I've had in my wrists for five years, she manages to dismiss it with a joke. She makes fun of some of my nervous habits like biting my lip and my compulsion to twitch my neck. Whenever I tell her to stop, she either says it was just a joke and that I shouldn't take it so seriously and that it wasn't meant to be hurtful (though she ignores that it really does hurt) or gets upset because I'm questioning her authority. She also lets my little brother do things like this, which means that I get a lot of "unintentional" insults from the two of them.
I know that it could be so much worse and that I should be thankful for the parents I have, but something tells me that it's not okay for mom to make me feel bad about myself like this and then make it worse by pretending it's my fault hurts. Are my feelings founded or am I just being a difficult teen?
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Because you are a teen you have left your childhood behind and have your own ideas and opinions now. However, your mother still sees you as a child and wants to exert her authority over you. So there is a conflict. Don't go clothes shopping with her because you don't dismiss what she says. She could see you as a rival and knows that you will look better than her in the clothes which is perhaps why she criticizes the clothes you like so much. She also knows that you will take notice of her and put the clothes back. From what you say in your post this looks like your mother is jealous of you so be careful. Your feelings are founded. At least one day you will leave home.
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