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I don't know what to think anymore. My heart aches with every thought of you and that awful memory. Through the fear and betrayal I somehow feel love. Not for myself but for you, the person who hurt me. This love petrifies me, it's not normal and I'm not normal. I will never escape the fact I was raped. I can't even escape the thought of you, no matter how much distance or time, I can't break free. I wish with everything that I could rip the skin off my body, destroy my brain and start fresh. Without all of this pain and mess. Even now, I can't tell if your actions are out of care or selfishness. I'm so lost and so empty. Every day and every night, filled with thoughts of you. It takes everything in me to not message you or simply give up this fight. My soul is stained forever and my mind is trapped in this past. Its been this way since 2018. I think I'll always feel trapped and maybe that's OK, but what kills me is the worry I have for you and the love that still haunts me. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I've tried, I really have. It's been so long. I'm stuck in a hurricane and I tried so desperately to make sure it didn't effect you. Look at the damage I've caused.... all because I couldn't cope. I'm sorry
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