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This is tough. I am trying to come to terms with my reality.
I now have some idea of how much people dislike me. I have no pleasant connections
with other people. I have no best friend and I am not a close friend of anyone.
Probably not even in top five friends if they make a list of their friends.
This has always been the case as far as I can remember. People have always been annoyed and irritated by my presence. I think it is either my looks or my voice or maybe both.
My parents, teachers, siblings, classmates, college mates, professors are among many who have hated, attacked (physically or verbally) or ignored me.
I don't have a team. I don't have a tribe. No one thinks of me let alone desire to be with me. Not even as a friend. Sometimes I feel like I am rotting from inside.
For now I am just a wage earner who works for money who is joyless and hopeless. That is my utility to the world. A pair of hands to work.
It is important that I accept that the issue is with me. I can not really change who I am now. As I see people enjoying their lives I just feel like an onlooker watching from the sides. I was never in the game to begin with. It is unfair to expect people to change their behavior for me. I am terrible and I feel terrible and lonely. But it is okay. I may not be happy but I will try my best to not become sad.
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I am so so so so sorry dear stranger. Not to pity, believe me I am in no freaking position to pity anyone, but something breaks inside me when I see people's sadness like this. I wish I could stop the clenching feeling that surrounds your heart. Just because you were who you were doesn't mean whatever happened is on you. No one should have the audacity to bully someone because of their existence.
Relationships have been hard and painful for you. That is okay. Accepting this is going on with you is fine, avoidance never brings any good. But maybe, just maybe, you shouldn't take it as your reality. Days are not set in stone. Planet keeps turning every damn day. New stars are born from supernovas. Everything is set in motion and change happens. We all change. Whether you feel like it or not, you are different than you've been in school. What happened to you should not become your future. Not easy, I know, believe me I know. I've been torturing myself on how I was so lonely and this was not going any better like a few hours ago. And that is the problem. We are so cruel to ourselves. Life and people are already hard but we are the ones shaping our thoughts for the worse and triggering negativity that consumes us. Because for some us, nobody has ever even shown decent compassion in the way we needed before. It's hard for us to be understanding to ourselves. But we have learn that first. So please don't make assumptions out of bad behavior of other people in your past. I refuse to belive someone so sincerely pouring their heart out like this could be deserving of poor treatment people gave you, especially when there is nothing you purposefully do. And of course you are not game honey, you are a whole human being. You don't have to win anyone to be worthy. You don't have to be an outsider since your life is already a journey. I know these sound like cheesy positivity shit, but rather than thinking you can't change yourself, maybe you should change how you view yourself. Because what you went through was hard but look at yourself: "I may not be happy but I will try my best to not become sad." See how powerful you are to keep pushing through your struggle like that.
You are not alone or unlikable. For example, I took my time this evening when I came across with your post because you matter. I care about your wellbeing right now and I don't want you to be sad. Many people I've seen at this site commenting on other people are usually so sweet and caring too. Maybe you can start venting your feelings out when they get too dark and gloomy here before they sink into your mind deeply. It's never okay to keep everthing inside.
Okay. This was all around the place probably, and I talked too much because it hit home closely at the moment. But I just hope I was at least able to make you a little bit better. Because you, of course, deserve to be happy and feel confident about yourself.
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