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its 2.30 am.. and i will tell you my story (wierd thoughts tho) english/german
2 years ago · 2 · mother, +6 · Explicit
430
Hi!
I have a little daughter, she is turning 1 in 10 days..
we had a rough start, she was 6 weeks in the NCI (is that the english word?) like the baby medical station.
I have bad anxiety and depression since she was born, i feel really disconnected to her, cause of the lag of bonding the early days. Its hard to explain for me, its not like i dont like her, but its hard for me to feel deeply connected to her. (Pls dont judge me for this lol)
I'm 24 btw..
I have bad sleep problems since she's at home.. luckily i have a really great boyfriend and dad for her... he's sleeping on the couch for 10 months now... cause i cant fall asleep and need my space and stuff..
man i sound so mean and harsh but let me tell you:
My father raped me as a child.. and i pushed it away as far as possible
i was only 12 years old...
my mum didnt know untill last month
yes 12 years later, but i learned even earlier in my life: it doesnt matter if you tell anyone, nothing will change..
and i believed it for my hole life..
now in therapy i overthing everything yeah..
anyways so my dad is the biggest fucker in the world,
its not the only thing he did, he also just leaved me alone as 8-12 years old, every weekend when i have to go to him (parents are divorced) in his flat and went out drinking with his friends... i called my mum so often, she always told me she come pick me up... but i didnt want dad to feel bad that i leave.. so she didnt pick me up.
She leaved me alone like my dad.
In his fucking flat
as a 8 years old
8
fucking
years
old
she let me decide whats the best for me.
she knew i was ALONE in the flat
and didnt pick me up
and that was the point i believed it doesnt matter if i tell anyone
cause nothing will change anyways
it will just stay the same :)
luckily my dad always got junkfood and cholocate and all the goods at home,
so i stuffed my heart full with that stuff, cause i had nothing else.
I didnt tell my mum that he raped me
since like 3 weeks ago
she asked me
she knew it
all the time
i tried to tell her before
but she didnt listen
i dont know who im writing to
i thing i will just write for myself
writing is freedom
Wieso schreibe ich nicht auf deutsch
es ist schöner auf Deutsch zu schreiben
cause i ratter feel pain then nothing at all
Ich habe mich "versucht" selbst zu verletzten
hat leider nicht so gut geholfen wie ich angenommen habe..
Ich habe Casper gehört, weil ich dachte es bringt was
Bekommt bitte keine Kinder wenn ihr euer Leben so liebt wie es gerade ist,
und wenn ihr es nicht so liebt, bekommt bitte auch keine :)
Ein Baby
Ein Kind
VERÄNDERT EINFACH SCHEIß ALLES
wirklich
alles
fucking alles
du bist nicht mehr der Mensch der du davor warst und du wirst nie verstehen was ich hier gerade schreibe wenn du nicht selbst Kinder (ein Kind) hast.
Es kommt nicht mehr erst du, dann dein Partner, Wohnung bla bla bla
Es kommt: das Kind, das Kind und dann rate nochmal das Kind
es dreht sich nur noch darum wann das Kind schläft, isst, irgendwo hingeht
bis ihr die scheiß Zeit tot schlagt bis es wieder schlafen geht
und dann progressiert ihr keine ahnung ob das wort richtig geschrieben ist, könnt ihr euch auch ficken gehen
wir hatte seit 8 Monaten keinen Sex mehr
weil ich Angst habe noch eins zu "produzieren"
das macht Sex
es macht Babys
nee wirklich?
doch hahahaha
Pech nee
Nur, weil du damals nen Scheiß Orgasmus wolltest, haben wir jetzt anstrengende Tage und kurze Nächte
wegen
einen scheiß Glückgefühl
bekommt keine Kinder
wirklich
wenn ich die Zeit zurück drehen könnte
und mit mir selbst reden könnte
bekommt keine Kinder mit 24
vielleicht sehe ich es in 10 Jahren anders
aber momentan
ist es
das SCHLIMMSTE
was uns passieren konnte.
Es ist mittlerweile 3 Uhr nachts
sorry für die die nen Englischen Text erwartet haben
habt ja gesehen was für ne scheiße ich zusammen geschrieben habe haha
und die klassische Pick Me Line kommt natürlich auch noch:
das wird eh keiner lesen haha, lol
an die die es lesen werde sorry einfach
masturbiert einfach
danke
eine müde Mutter
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It is sad that you were raped by your dad and I hope that with therapy you can put this behind you and live a happy life. This was in the past and not happening now. Look after yourself, your boy friend, and baby now and in the future.
As for my first daughter: by the time she was born I could hardly put up with my husband who was obsessed with his mother and also a thief. I think that because I disliked him so much this was the reason I hated my baby. I realized that I couldn't bring her up while hating her so I managed to stop but I never loved her or liked her. After I separated from him my son, daughter, and myself were always struggling for money and I discovered that this was because my daughter was stealing money from me every day. She was a thief too. These things happen so don't feel too badly about not bonding with your child.
Replythanks you so much for your words...
its hard the guild you feel, when you see your baby and all you think is you ruin my life..
i try so hard but it feels like nothing gets better
Reply