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Yet another broken heart. Another lonely night, listening to the silence that surrounds me. There is a faint sound of a cricket, and the hum of the laptop next to the bed. The cricket sings for someone to love them. The cricket cries for forever. His eyes were the most beautiful thing. Full of wonder and compassion. His laugh was contagious, filling the room. I felt the world for this man once, but now all that fills me is resentment.
I do not know if I have ever been in love. If I claim I have, I am naive. If I say I have never loved, I am bitter. "They say love is forever, your forever is all that I need". Love is nothing but poison. How could someone so beautiful, so caring, turn into a complete monster. I hate him. I hate him so much. He has become unrecognizable, a stranger even. The hands that were once intertwined with mine are unfamiliar. I long for touch, to be held lovingly. His? No. The thought of him being in the same general vicinity is enough to make me nauseous. He looks at someone else the same way he looked at me. He touches her gingerly, as if she may break. His hands were once caressing me. He looks at me full of bitterness, with a hint of guilt and regret. "Sorry" will ever be enough. "Sorry" cannot erase the past. "Sorry" will not help me forget. I will never forget what he has done. The scars on my heart will never heal, he has ruined my trust completely.
How can someone whom you loved so much, can become an enemy so quickly? His presence makes me quiver. I am terrified of coming face to face with him again. His harshness, the ways his pupils filled his eyes, anger overpowering love. His hand strikes me. "You mean so much to me", he had claimed. If I meant so much, how come you only inflicted pain onto me?
How can your best friend, the person you love, completely break your heart? He is so beautiful. Every single bit of him is beautiful. From his light eyes, to the way he breathes, or the way he laughs when I try to make a joke. He cares. He loves. Just not enough. Just not in the right way. What could have been is what should have been. The right person at the wrong time. He did not want to hurt me. He did not mean to break me. He wanted to be happy, but not with me. He looked at me the way everyone wanted to be looked at. If he said the wrong thing to me, he knew I would break. He worked his way around me, carefully, making sure I would not break. He loved. He loved me so much. But he left for another girl, whom he didn"t know. Why couldn"t he see what was directly in front of him? Why didn"t he realize that I would do anything for him. Why will I never be good enough?
No one will love you the way you desire. No one will treat you the way you yearn for. Everyone leaves. There is always someone better. I am not pretty, I am not tall, I am not skinny. I am not athletic, I am not talented, I am nothing. The ones I loved all left, for someone better, because I wasn"t enough, because I was me. I lost them all. One came back, but our relationship will never be the same. Just talking to him at times feels like I am talking to a completely different human being. I am not the same. I have moved on, but part of me will never move on. Part of me will forever be anchored into my past, torn into pieces. I want to fall in love, and be with someone who feels every single ounce of respect I feel towards them. I want do everything for them and give my all. But the more time moves the more I believe that true love does not exist.
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