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I feel like an outsider to everyone besides my husband.
I'm told by family members that I'm "seeking sympathy" or "playing the victim" because I talk about my trauma. I'm told I should go to a therapist instead of venting on Facebook. Maybe. But I'm also kind of afraid of them I guess.
It was traumatic to me as a kid to have to go. I had behavioral problems. I didn't adjust well. I truly believe I am on the autistic spectrum somewhere. My sister says I'm not autistic, but narcissistic and a sociopath. I don't think I'm a sociopath. I feel empathy deeply. I want justice for people who have been hurt. I have been hurt myself. I don't want people to be harmed if they've done nothing to deserve it.
She says I don't want to see a shrink because they're going to say I'm a sociopath. I don't want to see a shrink because I don't want her to be correct about me needing one, even though I need someone to talk to. And I'm uninsured.
As a kid, when I was made to go for getting in trouble at school a lot, it was highly stigmatized. I was told not to tell anyone that I was going. So I was ashamed. And I was trying so hard to be good. I didn't want to go to the shrink. They told me if I got in trouble at school one more time, I had to go. I'd been set up for failure at this point. Because the teacher was horrible, and had for weeks had my desk turned around and pointed toward the back wall. She ostracized me from the rest of the class for weeks at a time. So here I was, sitting at my backwards desk at recess, reading a book. Trying to behave. Trying to get out of the corner. And when the teacher was out of the room, a group of boys began to pelt me with broken crayons. I tried to ignore it but they kept coming. I flung the ones that hit me back over my shoulder at the boys. The teacher then came into the room, and saw me throwing the crayons. She told my parents I had a "crummy" day and that did it. I had to go to the psychologist. And I resented it so much.
I don't want my sister to be right that I need it now. She thinks I'm petty for remembering the ringleader of those boys who got me to the shrink in the first place and still being angry at him all these years later. (I recently put a one star review on his business and basically said it's cheaper to DIY, I didn't say anything bad about him.) My sister thinks that it's evil to want revenge. But it isn't really even revenge. As I said above, I want justice for people who have been hurt. Even me. And maybe it is unjust that someone who put his hands on a girl half his size now owns a business.
I don't deny that I've made shitty choices in my own life. I REGRET a lot of stuff very deeply. And that's not the mark of a sociopath, either. I'm downright ashamed of things I have done and said. I do think I might have ODD as well as being autistic, because they go together often, and it might explain some of the behavioral problems. I had poor impulse control (still sometimes do) and a lot of it I think was probably "what happens if I do this?" My parents were pretty strict which can also lead to ODD. My upbringing wasn't super radical, but I'd definitely call it evangelical and I had quite a few rules my peers didn't. I grew up to resent the religion too. I think it's part of what hurt me. I was also bullied a lot, physically and mentally, by the other kids for being different and weird. And I retaliated a lot. I never really learned how to handle bullies. If you sit there and take it, you're weak, but if you fight back you're bad.
I am filled with a lot of self doubt right now, but I'm also pretty sure if I was a sociopath I wouldn't be worried about being one because I wouldn't care, right?
Do I sound like a narcissist or a sociopath to you?
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It is hard to say. Sociopaths have no emotions or feel only a small part of their emotions and I don't know whether this is you. Maybe your family is right and you should see a therapist at least. It won't hurt and could do you some good.
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