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The thought of merely confronting my mother once more makes me anxious, and feel hopeless, knowing she'll take it the wrong way and destroy my mental health in the process.
I feel like swimming through tar when I'm around her. I am an object for her to flaunt over and do as she pleases with. I'm a doll, she's said all my life...I just didn't take it that seriously until I was grown.
She does a lot to keep me in check, guilt-tripping that makes me question my every thought every single day, the "I'm your mother, you shall respect me" thing that makes me resent authority and feel threatened by it like I'm in danger, the constant reminders of the things I do that she doesn't agree with, such simple things as what I dress like and my choice in food restraints.
She twists every decision I make into an attack on her and her opinion, and I'm terrified of being a bad person every single day because of her constant comments about everything. Holy shit! I did something new with my hair ONCE and her continuous nagging made me CUT IT ALL OFF!
I don't feel like I breathe at all, even with the distance. I love her, and she loves me. But her issues are constantly on my shoulders and I'm a traumatised kid! I have enough shit to deal with! I'm not her therapist, or her friend. I am her daughter, and I'm tired and sick of her control over me.
Will I always deal with her problems? How she fears for my safety? Will I always have to carry my actions by her insecurities and sensibilities?
Will my siblings take over the shift if I step away? Can I step away knowing two younger kids would have to deal with the blunt end of the sword? I know I won't if that's the case. I know the burn, I'm used to it. They shouldn't have to get to know any of that.
I'm just tired. Just when I think I'm able to breathe, I swallow tar once more. A reminder that I'll never be truly free.
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