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All my life I was taught to be obedient to the men in my life. My family is very religious and my mom started teaching me how to be a good wife when I was a kid. My parents want me to get married..... good thing is, I do have a boyfriend. My dad picked him out for me. Both of our parents set us up on a date about 6 months ago. They want us to get engaged soon. My mom told me that whatever man I marry will give me commands that I must follow. She taught me that I have to live by his rules and I am okay with that. Everything I know about relationships come from my parents, other family members, and teachers at my church. My friends (non church friends) don't understand me and I don't understand them. They say that I shouldn't let my future husband control me and that it's not healthy. I don't see what they mean. As long as he is nice to me, I should do what he wants, right? I feel like I don't know what I'm talking about anymore because I just turned 22 and I'm just now noticing that other people are way different from my family. Like super different. I think my parents have sheltered me so that I believe what they want me to believe. Is what I believe wrong? I have no idea if this is crazy or not because I don't really think it is but my friends and some other people do.
Anyway, sorry for rambling. I specifically wanted to talk about my lovely boyfriend. He doesn't go to our church but he goes to another one. He's very nice and just a little bit older than me. He's 24. I really like him, more than I thought I would. I used to think that when I, or my parents found someone for me, it would feel like a duty to be with them... y'know? Like it was just something I HAD to do whether I liked it or not. It doesn't feel like that with him. I actually enjoy being around him. Is it because he's my first real boyfriend? He treats me well but he confuses me alot too. The things he says go against everything I know.
Like for example, we were going to have dinner with his parents so they could get to know me more and I asked him what I should wear. He said to wear whatever I wanted. I don't know what I want.... I was taught by my mom to always ask because I should want him to be able to (for lack of a better word) show me off to his family and not be embarrassed with how I dressed. He
insisted for me to wear what I like so I chose most of what I wore but I couldn't decide on the right shirt so I convinced him to pick the shirt for me. Even though he told me to pick it out myself, I still felt wrong doing that. I hope I didn't annoy him by asking too many questions.
Another time he made a comment on how pretty I looked. He kissed me and after a while of him being touchy I started getting nervous because I'm a virgin and I really don't feel like Im read to.. um.... stop being one. I was taught that I have to always say yes to sex if my husband/soon-to-be-husband wants it. My mom said he's not allowed to force me so I just have to be willing and if I'm not then I have to apologize and make it up to him. I think he could tell that I was scared because I started tensing up and he stopped touching me. He said it was okay if I didn't want to do anything sexual yet and that he'd wait for me. He's always very comforting and he made me feel better. I like him so much but sex is scary. It's the only thing I struggle with when it comes to being a good wife/girlfriend.
I don't know if any of this made sense but I hope so... it was just a little vent because I'm feeling so overwhelmed but also excited about having a real boyfriend. I really like him. I like being In a relationship but everything is so confusing to me because it's not what I was made to expect. (Does that make sense????) Any thoughts about this would be much appreciated! How do you see relationships/marriage? How should I act? What's normal and what's not? Forgive me for my total confusion 😅
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You shouldn't always say yes to sex if you don't want to. You own your own body, no-one else, including your husband. You are a grown adult with a brain. You really need to use it. Have you heard of body autonomy? Get rid of these outdated and abusive notions of being there to please another because it's what's expected. Your parents are wrong and actually abusive telling you what to do and how to behave. Fuck that. Use critical thinking for once and make your own decisions independently of anyone. If you have sex when you don't really want to, then that sex is under duress, basically it's RAPE. Rape is a crime. And even if rape isn't a crime where you are for some religious reason, it's against human rights anyway you look at it. Depressing stuff reading your story.
Replybruh, be nice. I get what you're saying, but you could have worded that so much more kindly
ReplyIf you like him, that's awesome! marry him and be happy. as long as you love him, it doesn;t matter if your parents picked him for you.
about sex and always obeying him though, make sure you only do what you want to do. if you agree with what he wants you to do, and he tells you to do nice things, then it's ok, you can do what he says. if he tries to make you do something that you don't want to do though, don't do it and call the police if he tries to force you.
it sounds like he's kind and respectful though, so you should have many happy years ahead of you. sex isn't scary if your partner is kind and communicates with you. as long as you;re not being forced to do anything you're not ready for, you're ok. Just make sure you tell him what you want to do and what you don't want to do, even if you feel bad for saying it. no one should ever be forced to do anything, especially have sex, if they don't want to.
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