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No matter how many notes I write here and there, I don't think it'll be enough to piece together what I'm trying to say because it is too fragmented. The moral of the story is I can't express myself or open up about my problems or what I'm going through and I fear I may never be able to do so. And I am ashamed about it. I am not in a good place right now and my life is going downhill. I am stuck in a loop of misery. I want to talk to somebody but I fear being judged. I fear people pointing out my inadequacies because I should have something going on for me right now but I don't and I feel behind.
I fear people calling me a loser and a failure because deep down it's true. And with that in mind, I stay put having no hope or motivation to do anything, thus making things worse. It's not that I like being socially crippled with anxiety, feeling like a fraud, and being depressed, which I have been since my freshmen year of college.
It's the worse state of mind I have ever been in.
I thought it was rock bottom but it is worse now. I was so anxious, depressed, and stressed to the point that I couldn't shut my thoughts/mind off. Always worrying about things and I would repeat the same things to myself and have the same thoughts over and over and over with mild auditory hallucinations, hearing my own voice. The only way I would have peace of mind is by going to sleep. But once I was up, my mind would start racing again. I couldn't go on anymore. It was at that point that I stopped caring about anything.
I don't think words can describe what depression feels like. You just sit there and rot away. You are sad and angry for not doing anything about it...but you just sit.
I feel stuck, depressed and I want to be better and do something about it but I can't. It makes me so mad and I just don't understand why I'm acting or feeling like this. I know the problem and what the possible solution might be but I don't do anything about it. Does anyone else ever felt like this? Because of this, lately, I've been feeling like my life is not my own. I'm scared of taking risks and it is ruining my life.
It got me thinking: why have I been working and trying hard up until now? Where did it all go wrong and why did I give up?
The reason I worked so hard until now was to prove to myself and others around me that I wasn't a fraud because I have always felt like one. An Impostor. People rarely tell me they are proud of me but when they do and tell me I'm smart or look at me like I know what I'm doing, I don't believe them because I'm not proud of myself. I never have been. And I don't know why. All my accomplishments just feel like things I needed to do to "look the part".
No matter how hard I work or try, at the end of the day, I still feel like a fraud. I gave up a while ago because I couldn't pretend anymore. I'm tired physically and mentally, waking up with nothing to look forward to, asking myself why I'm still here still.
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Help Me
Hello. Can you help me by praying for me? I feel so tired and I don't think I can move forward for a while....
if you are on antidepressants, take double the dose for three days in a row. slump gone. know that you are doing it at the risk of having a seizure, but it will allow you to get back on your feet and where you can use your tools to stay on with self improvement, which brings genuine happiness. when you feel yourself falling, just keep using your meds. and tools. before you know it, you'll never go back to the slump. it will be in your past.
ReplyYou're still here 'cause you have a purpose. Don't give up. Hope everything will be okay for you.
Our own thoughts are so loud especially when we feel alone. They keep on battling and as an owner, it's so confusing which one we should believe, the truth or the right thing to do.
Have you tried, writing journal/ diary? This really helps me whenever I feel anxious.
Surround yourself with positive vibes ~~ plants, pets.
Also, it's okay to ask help. Talk to someone that you trust.
Prayer also works, he listen. Surrender all of your worries and talk to him like your friend.
I want to say that you're not the only one who experienced this. You're not alone, you're not a fraud. It's just the thoughts. Please don't let it control you.
Sending virtual hugs❤
ReplyI can't say that I, myself, have ever gone through depression so I'll not pretend to know what that's like. I have, however, a few friends that deal with depression from time to time and I do see and hear what they go through. That said, I'll be coming to you from that angle.
I think it's important to understand that we all, no matter what, go through slumps in life where, no matter what, it feels like nothing can go right for you. I think some people are better at hiding it than others as they are too proud to admit they've run into some bad luck or made mistakes that cost them by way of time, money, relationships, etc. Nonetheless, it does happen to us all. And, I think that during these times, we all take a hard beating, mentally, and have to find a way to recoup.
For me personally, in times like these, I find that I need a day off to "reset". On this day, I try to do only fun things - video games, art, nature walk, etc. Later, I make a list of all the things that are bothering me and prioritize them. Then I mark off the ones that I have no control over. From there, I start working on the list, tackling the most important issue first and moving on from there. When there is too much "bad" happening at any given time, it can certainly feel overwhelming. Prioritizing them, and dealing with them one at a time, seems to be a good way to manage the overall load and not feel overwhelmed.
It's probably important, too, that you understand just how important you are and how much you mean to others. If you're doing things to "look the part", I think you're probably doing things that may not really interest you. Instead of trying to "look the part", maybe try "looking yourself"? This may require an exchange of friends, starting a new career, etc. but it's probably worth paving your own path so you can enjoy yourself, what you're doing, and who you're hanging out with, every step of the way. From the message you provided, it sounds to me like you COULD BE unhappy because you're trying to live a certain way for the approval of others. Doing what makes you, yourself happy instead may breathe new life into your world.
If you don't feel you can muster through this alone, know that there are ways to get help. Therapy can be a great place to start. I've not been myself but, from friends, have learned that therapists don't solve your problems but rather help you find a solution yourself.
We don't know each other personally but know in your heart that many folks like me care for you more than you'll probably ever realize. I'm wishing you the best and hope that soon you'll be able to navigate yourself out of this slump.
Good Luck!
Mirage
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