TW: I almost died yesterday

I think i almost died yesterday.

I've never done it so terribly... never panicked so much.

And usually I'm a cool-headed person (and I'm not just talking about looks [jk]) but honestly, I'm a very calm person.

Yet... it happened.

It just... I didn't know what to think.

What to do.

It wouldn't stop bleeding.

Okay, so lemme be honest. I'll pause storytime for a sec.

I'm...

I'm...

I. . . .. . . . .

am

a

cutter.

Okay, there. So I said it.

Well, not technically. I've never actually said it outloud... I dunno. I just can't admit it.

I mean, I do cut myself almost every day (I'm going through a relapse, have been going through a relapse for this whole month).

But like, me?

A... you know?

And when all of my emotions came crashing down on me yesterday, I just... went too deep.

And it woudn't stop bleeding!

I know most people think it's pathetic to injure yourself and then to make a big deal of it. But I don't give a thought about whether or not anyone will read this. It just feels so good to get this off my shoulders and type these words out. Get rid of these thoughts and memories of what happened... of what could've happened.

I usually don't cut too deeply, but this time I was in a rush.

I could hear Mom complaining about something that had to do with me... I was ready to tear up and cry, I was hiding in my room.

I am NOT a person to let myself cry in front of people.

So, I did what I thought of first and went straight to my addiction. One cut and I'd be calm again.

But this time I paused with my blade hovering over my thigh (I can't do my arms because it's been summer for the past few months and the scattered random scars on my arms from earlier this year are questionable enough.

And I hesitated.

I could hear her saying how terrible I was... and as always, it hurts.

I know she hates me, I don't know why she has to say it.

And I don't want your pity. Oh God, no. I know it's my fault. I am who I am. I know I could change myself, make myself who she wants me to be... but I used to do that when I was younger, and all it did was leave me with some serious mental health issues.

I'm not perfect.

With all these thoughts jumbled together, wondering whether or not I should do something else.

Like write on this site or a secret journal site.

Use my panic log.

Look at pics of self harm to scare the s--t out of me.

Draw on myself (but I knew that would end in doing it too hard)

But I didn't have time!!

So I panicked. I could hear my lil sis calling from the living room... and I did the deed.

Usually I go slow when I self harm, but this time (the blade was already pressed hard against me) I did it in one super quick move.

.

And I could see a terrible gaping line... It took a while for the blood to fill it in. And I panicked worse.

I went to the bookshelf and pulled out a book titled "The Package" (I had 2 books in the shelf for sh, The Package and The Box In The Attic, one had smaller bandaids and one had bigger ones). I had lined the pages with stolen bandaids from the kitchen, and quickly I pulled out the biggest one I could find.

It did NOT fit over the cut, I could only get it to go over half of it. I ended up trying to close the cut with the bandaid, and it worked... but only halfway isn't good enough.

Then my sis called for me again.

And I quickly put the trash in the back of the book, put that back, and hid my blades in the mint tin thingy.

And I walked out, blood seeping through my pants.

.

to be continued (don't have time to type this all out lol)