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Okay so this has been happening for a while so....this post might be long. My family isn't an unhappy one but it's toxic. I know everyone's toxic in someway or the other but I feel like the toxicity has either worsened thank to staying indoors for 2 years thanks to the pandemic or I've just started noticing it too well. I live with my family consisting of my parents, my dad's mom and my sister and cousin brother who both recently moved out. So it's just me, my parents and my grandmom. My mom and I were never close in the sense on the same wavelength until recently. Our relationship was always a more parent-daughter relationship than a friendly one but lately my mom and I started talking about a lot of stuff, deep stuff about the family sharing our thoughts etc. We still had the parent-daughter thing but it was a bit more open, although that didn't mean I started telling her about my social life. I know she would disapprove. Anyway lately I feel like my mom's just using me as a complaint doll. She basically has no regard for what I say it's just that she needs to vent to someone. I understand everyone needs a vent, but everyone includes me as well. I thought I could do that to you but clearly that's not the case. I started noticing only pretty recently how she only has regard for what she has to say. Like I could literally tell her how I slept a bit funny that night and she wouldn't even let me finish my first sentence before launching into her own story of how she went to bed last, night, how she slept, an example story explaining it and then complaining about something my grandmom did. I kinda get her frustration on my grandmom, because I know she kinda blames my dad and her for leaving her job. My grandmom had a minor heart thing 4 years ago leading to my mom leaving her job to take care of the house. Of course I don't think it was forced on her I know my dad and my grandmom and trust me they wouldn't do that. Anyway offlate my mom's complaints of my grandmom are becoming unreasonable. Like yeah my grandmom can be annoying at times. She's super nosy, and stubborn and actually quite lazy and clueless but not everything she does is wrong or bad. She's honestly a really good person she's just old and insecure. And I've heard both sides of the story I know my mom just finds fault with her because she doesn't like her. But my mom is a looot more open minded than my dad, so I hear complaints about him too, although they are a loot more reasonable than complaints against my grandmom. My dad's suuuuper narcissistic and self absorbed which irritates everyone in the house, but I've learnt to live with it. But my mom just....hasn't and I get it but I need a break. I cannot constantly keep listening to her complain about everyone and everything just because she's not happy with her life. I know that makes me sound bad, but please think of it from my perspective. A 17 year old girl, who's not been outside the house for a decent amount of time in more than 2 WHOLE YEARS because of the pandemic and her health issues forced to hear her family members complain about each other while not being allowed to express her own opinions, and even when expressed go practically unheard. In 2 years, I've spent time outside my family for 3 days at best. I understand that my mom is taking out her disappointments on others but that's not fair. I get that it's suffocating but it's been suffocating for everyone these 2 years. My mom's initial happiness of not having a hectic schedule when she worked has died down and now that she misses it, she's taking it out on others around her. I'm sorry but she's convinced no one understands her or that she's a victim of the oppressions in my house but so are my I sister and I and honestly speaking the so-called oppressions in my house aren't as bad as she claims. She's seeing them negatively so they seem magnified. And my mom has been talking about getting a job once I go to college. I understand she has issues and they are not to be ignored but it's
taking a heavy toll on my mental health. I cut myself 3 times 2 years ago because of my problems in school, which no one except my friends and my brother know about. Suicidal thoughts have become an everyday thing for me. There were times, which occurred very often, when I would sob in the bathroom at night and prey to a god I don't believe in to not wake me up the next morning. Not a soul knows this.
I just want to run away from all of this. I have soooooo amny issues but how can I work on them if I'm busy helping others work on theirs?
Anyway if anyone is reading this sorry it's so long but I would really appreciate advice and reassurance
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I feel like you should talk to a therapist, even if you dont wanna go out of your way to make any appointments your country may have a hotline you could call when you feel you need it, but maybe you could try talk to your mom about how her venting affects you without disregarding her emotions. I know you understand her need to vent but if shes dumping her issues onto you that isn't fair. Or maybe there's another person you could talk to about this such as your dad depending on your relationship, I see you what you said about him but I don't know him well enough as you to see if you should ask him about this. You should also take time to look after yourself too, it's not your responsibility to worry about everyone else all the time! Selfcare is always helpful and it seems like you need to take care of your self :)
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