What are you looking for?
3 months ago · · Breakup, · Explicit
I've been frustrated more and more recently because I cannot stop thinking about and rehashing an old "relationship" in my head. I think about this person a lot, I see this person several times a week, and I cannot stop thinking about what I should have done differently at the time.
We started seeing each other this past spring. It was a new type of relationship for me and I did not have much experience when it started. It began primarily as a hook-up relationship, but it evolved into more as time went on. We "work" in the same place and the relationship began and ended in secret (no one but my roommate and one other friend knew). Unfortunately, as our time together progressed I became attached to this fleeting thing. I wanted to know that I meant more to them than just some random person on the street. All they could say is that they were not in a place to do that yet. We had an argument, I got emotional, and they left. I made the unfortunate choice of getting attached to someone and setting my own expectations for what "we" were. A week of silence between each other later we tried to reconcile. It felt different between us by that point. It was as if the months of getting to know each other and all the time spent together were no longer there. The small things we would do and say together were quickly erased. We left the conversation saying things could get back to normal, but neither of us made a move or reached out.
I had convinced myself I was over the whole ordeal and was ready to move on. I was tired of being alone and feeling like I was not worth someone else's time. I made the decision to rejoin the dating app world where inevitably I saw them present online. A few days later I had discovered they had liked my profile as if it were some kind of weird joke. That launched me down a spiral of bad head space for sure. Why is this how they were choosing to interact with me? Why had I gotten so attached to someone who did not reciprocate my feelings? Why was all of this still getting to me and altering my mood? Even now, months later, I think about them. I see them often, we playfully interact with one another, and I get sucked into the same depressive shit over and over again.
This whole thing is further complicated by me trying to see someone else. I feel this new relationship is being stunted in its growth due to my lingering feelings for someone who did not want me. But at the same time I do not want to be with this person again. I just want this thing in my head, the constant replay, to stop.
How do I stop it? How do I get my mind to move on when I am so eager for that to happen. I try to escape my head, fill my time with meaningless bullshit, watch an enormous amount of tv, and use the new person in my life to keep me occupied. I am embarrassed and shameful that this continues to go on and that I am not being honest with myself and others. I feel so melodramatic coming to the end of whatever this is, but I know I am being honest. I feel like a teenager sad over some petty high school drama. I know there is no magic remedy or over-the-counter fix for moving on, but I just need help and advice. How do I make things better for myself? How do I stop focusing on the unchangeable past and move forward in a positive direction? Please say someone knows how I feel...