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Being forgiven by my wife and mother to our two beautiful little boys has been an internal - and once or twice voiced- focus of mine since I got past 3 months sobriety. It really super charged when I hit a year of sobriety. Coming up on 16 months I know I’m not mentally or emotionally worthy of forgiveness.
Inwardly focused nearly all the time except when in daddy, I don’t allow much space for us to just be. Ultimately I need to acknowledge that forgiveness isn’t something she can give to me, it’s something that I need to do for her. I need to forgive myself for her.
But how can I forgive the broken heart and broken promises. The fracture Windows abs holes in the wall. The sleepless nights and the drained bank account. The emotional and verbal hurt to our children and sweet little pup. The name calling and the blame at how ordinary my life is most of the time.
How can I forgive when I don’t take responsibility. Truth is I don’t want to be of the hook. I want to be well but I am afraid of what being well is. How can I function with the internal dialogue and second guessing and analyzing that has come to define my existence.
I don’t know. I just don’t know. This isn’t edited… thank you for letting me post. JD
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You have to give yourself a shot, of course you would like taht but if you really want your wife and kids to see how much you’ve gone then take that as motivation and try for your family little by little and communicate your feelings to your partner taht way she knows how you feel
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