What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
I had gotten used to this feeling inside of me being my only partner. The tearing void of emptiness clawing at the inside of my skull. It embraced me tighter than any hug I've gotten. I submitted to the feeling, letting myself slip into its grasp. Falling further into the retched feelings that intruded my thoughts. I'm alone.
My head got wrapped around to the idea of being alone. Mentally I couldn't handle someone comprising it. Me being alone with my pain.
Then she came along. Ruining a streak I had held highly above my head.
She made me smile, seeing her name appear on my screen.
At first I never thought of it, of her trying to get close to me. So I paid no mind to her conversations with me.
But she kept prying, trying to break the hinges off of an old rusty door. She kept showing affection, and it terrified me.
My head set off warning signals, screaming at me, that someone was trying to break in.
I had gotten used to the feeling of nothing, no one. My consciousness could not handle the thought of someone trying to care, someone trying to be close and personal with me... Someone trying to love me when the only thing I felt for myself was disdain.
As the signs of her affection became more clear to me, I began to freak out more and more. All my feelings of wanting someone was suppressed over the trust I had built in my own head.
Deep down I want to be with her, yet I'm torn apart in my head by these intense emotions I don't understand.
To say it bluntly, I'm terrified. Terrified of commitment, terrified of another conscious being loving me, terrified of what they will want of me, terrified of everything that comes with love. A concept I long forgot. I simply would not know how to react to someone's affection.
I freaked out, gnawing at my lips until they bled when she began flirting openly. I want to continue things with her but so many intrusive thoughts violate my head. Thoughts of emotionally shutting myself off, shutting her off, driving her away just to leave myself alone again. My mind craves self-destruction rather than feeling the healing touch of affection.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
grief
You know when you try to write a personal letter to someone who's important to you but they're just too close and there's not enough words to describe how you f...
-
depression sucks :/
Currently sitting in a starbucks studying for my GRE and I don't know why but a way of just cold empty numbness hit me. I haven't felt this way in so long. The...
that's a shame. you sound like someone who could use support, yet you tell yourself you don't want it.
Replysome people find it hard to open up or to ask for help because all they know is " I will figure it out" or " I'm all I have" even sometimes they feel embarrassed or ashamed to even ask. being alone and taught to be alone whether through experiences or through a decision changes you. all you really want is to protect yourself and sometimes it comes to a point where people view it as you being selfish or prideful. although i can go all day I'm going to just leave it at that
ReplyYou've beautifully written your rollercoaster of emotions. I'm girl and was once like you and I think I still am. I hated the thought of someone trying to be my partner other than me for myself. I used to think people will only love me if they want something from me. And I think I still think like that. I don't let my guard down easily. It feels like someone is intruding my life. But I also think that there are people who really love you even without wanting something from you. I think that, but I can't believe it. If you get what I'm saying. What you told is totally relatable. I have a friend of mine. Well, the only friend I have. I don't go and make friends. I only talk to people when they talk to me. This guy constantly tried to talk with me. He never shuts his mouth. I felt the exact same thing you're feeling right now. But I think after some time, I now feel a bit comfortable with him. Well, not a whole. But a little. It's better than before. So what I'm saying is, it's okay to let your guard down sometimes. Have a great life mate~!
ReplyDon't let her down. Whatever you do, please do not let her down. Do not hurt her. If her affection is too much for you, tell her. But do not play with her feelings, do not make her feel bad for loving you. Otherwise she will be broken and she will hate herself for having accepted to be treated like this. It is not because she is devoted to you that you should take advantage of it.
Reply😥
ReplyJust let her go, u dont love her u probably are with her ex best friend, u probably think about her when ur having sex with her, let her go mow let her go
Reply